Happy birthday, honey….

I said the words to you, then I kissed your chubby cheek, and I hugged you close and tenderly.

Should have been. That’s how it should have been. At least, that’s how I’ve imagined should have been. But look at what I did then. I said this in front of your gravestone. No birthday cake with candle you’d blow with your tiny mouth. Or the warmth of family sitting together. No laugh, spoil pout, funny look, fussy lips and your cheerful face.

Only red soil heap, piled with a stone, written on with your name, your birthday and your pass away date, which even still in the same year. Pain covered my time and space. Tears, sadness, heartache, sorrow….

I spread out the last grab of flowers I brought. I rubbed your epitaph once again, and I sent you a warm loving kiss.

***

You have become my life since the first second I saw you. More than the time I realized your existence inside me. Yes, finding that you are a part of me that I finally could touch and hold. Seeing you so frail, I had to take care of you, protect you. You have became my everything.

Miracle by miracle you brought to my eyes has filled my life and my heart. Endear me, eager to always give you the best, to sacrifice. To give you anything you wish, nothing no for you.

I could still hear you laughing. Your innocent eyes that wouldn’t let me let you hurt. Your humbly mumbling, but I could understand what you desired.

I could still remember every single movement you made, from the simple one, to your first ever step. How you slowly rose up. Then you looked at me who was few steps away. You looked at me like trying to say,’ Mommy, I’m coming to you. Reach for me, don’t let me fall…’ So I reached to you and you move slightly. One step, one more step... faster…. Faster… until you hit me. I hugged you as a congratulations for you effort, and you looked at me with shiny eyes, ‘I did it… I did it…’

I never thought it was the beginning of your end. As you walked more steady and stable, you desire became stronger. You wanted to stop crawling. And you wanted to explore more, to satisfy you curiosity of everything you see, and everything you wanted to see.

***

I stared at you photo again, with the wild flower crown I made for you. The flowers we picked from the garden behind our house. You stood still and let me put it on. Your puffy tiny nose, tell me that you are the most beautiful girl in the world.

‘beauty, na…’

‘Yes, my dear. Na beautiful…’

You, are the most beautiful princess in the world. You are the world to me. Your pass away have grabbed my world, that have became alive with your presence, it grabbed even my whole life before it….

I looked away to the street, through the opened front door. I regret, though I know it is no use, the day I let it open and left you play here alone in this room, while I was preparing water to bathe you. I could still clearly hear the wheels squeaking, and a neighbor screaming.

Frantically I ran out the house and screamed, seeing your little body laid right before that white sedan’s nose, splashed some red on it. My sight suddenly darkened…

I hold your picture tighter close to my chest and feel the pain again. Losing you, my little angel. Everybody told me not to blame myself, but how can I tell myself the same?. Today you should have been one year old. I never wanted to make a big party, with balloons filling the room, or guests bringing presents. I only wanted to be with you, and your dad, thank God for all blesses He gave us, and wish for more to fall over…

I tried to face the reality. But I still can not stop these tears from overflowing each time I remember you, and I remember you in every single beat of my heart….

Happy birthday, Na….

****************

for this week's sundayscribblings prompt: regrets

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live amazes me every time...

for this week's sundayscribblings prompt, for richer or poorer

Part one

Live amazes me

Like this time. I sat before this amazing bike. It is pink and white with a bell on its right handle. And a basket in front of it, with a picture of a girl wearing pink dress and holding a basketful of wild flowers.

I turned the pedal forward, the back wheel was turning, hypnotizing.

This bike was a present for being upgraded. Not for me, but for Enny.

***

Enny was my neighbor. She was such a lucky girl. Her parents were rich, and she was the only kid. They lived in the big house in front of ours.

I mean, our house was big. But it was still unfinished. The wall was naked, the windows didn’t have glasses, but covered by multiplex. The floor wasn’t concrete or ceramics or wood. It was soil. My dad was still trying to collect more money to finish our house.

Enny’s house was a castle to me. It has two pillars at the front. The windows were wide and all had glass blocked. That’s how our windows would be like, my father said. The curtains were double. First layer was white transparent, the outer layer was glittery and smooth. The floor was shiny and cold. That’s where I and Enny played every time after school.

Enny was a very kind friend. She shared everything she had with me. Her dolls, her cooking toys, her magazines.

She lent me a harmonica. She couldn’t play it but she had the manual book and let me read it. We would be happy if I found a notation of a song and play it. Our favorit song was a Japanese, Kokoronotomo. We didn’t know the words, at all. It just sound good and soft.

In the living room, she had a grand piano. It was kinda weird to me, since nobody in that big house could play it. I wanted to try but wasn’t allowed.

“My Dad said you can play anything I have, but that one”, Enny said.

“It’s. okay, En. It must be so expensive. I’m afraid I would break it, my father wouldn’t be able to pay the reparation bill”

I felt lucky enough to have some of her used dresses. They all were still beautiful, even better than my new ones, dresses that my mother bought in a traditional market.

***

Enny sat across the pink bike and let me admire it.

“Can I borrow it, please?”, I asked, hopefully.

“Sure. But I will try first, you can try after me”, oh wasn’t she an angel?

“Yes. I won’t go far. I will only ride until that cross and turn back. Then we could ride together around the village, what do you think? I will use my own bike”

She nodded.

My bike was just as big as hers. But it was a used one, when my father brought it to me as a new bike. He bought it from a friend. My bike was red, but it’s been faded and turned into brown in some parts. My Father bought a bell and put it on. But it doesn’t have a basket like Enny’s. And the chain cover was gone. But it’s ok, my chain loosen a lot. A case would be an inconvenient to me when I had to fix it up.

Live Amazes me every time.

Enny got this bike for her upgraded from 3^rd to 4^th. I’ve been the 1^st rank since my first report to the last during my three years in elementary school, but my father never gave me any present as an award.

I knew exactly how our condition was. And I would never protest. My father was just a labor while Enny’s father was a governor’s officer. But I was just an eight year old girl, with a jealousy that some times came out, if only Enny wasn’t that kind to me.

*********************************

Part two.

Live amazes me.

Like this time.

A sunny Sunday morning. As my habit I had made, I visit my father at least once a month. I and Dad were sitting in front of our house. The house was now perfect, at least at father's measurement. The walls were covered. The windows had glasses, and the floor was covered with ceramic tile

Enny came out of her house. She smiled at me and said. “Morning, Nil. When did you come?”

I walked closer to the fence so I didn’t have to yell answering her.

“Last night. Where are you going?”

“See my shop”

“Oh, the cafe. How is it going?”

“What café? It’s just a coffee shop. Almost zero visitor. I guess I’ll have to close it in a mean time. But as long as it is open, I have to run it, right?”

I nodded and waved my hand as she went away with her motor bike

I looked at the house and try to remember when was the last time I explored farther than guest room. It is still big. The curtains have been changed. But I really had no idea what was more inside.

Since I was in high school, I had less time interacting with Enny. I was too busy. Busy studying. My father promised me, I could go to college but only if I got scholarship. Of course, my father wouldn’t have money to pay my study in university without it. And busy working as a part timer, because I needed more money to buy books and all my needs.

My father has retired four years ago. I have finished studying and so has my little sister. I’ve got married and work at a lawyer firm with my husband. And I have two wonderful children.

Enny has finished colleging too. But still hasn’t got a job. She hasn’t got married, more over having children. And she still lives with her father who has retired two years before my father. She opened a café, I can barely remember when. But she said it didn’t give enough benefits. She kept running it just to give her something to do. She just said that she might have to close it.

“I often feel sad about that friend of yours”, Dad said, I get sat back beside him.

“Why?”

“Can’t you see?”

“I might see it, but in other way”

“How do you see it?”

I raised my shoulders.

“I can not explain it exactly. It’s just… ugh… how live has turned upside down. I used to feel jealous to Enny when I was kid”

“Do you think Enny’s the one who is feeling jealous to you now??”

“I’m not saying that. But, seeing how she is now… “ I shook my head again, ” I’d rather be who I was and who I am now. I was poor then, but I can have all I need now. More than I’ve ever hoped for, more than my child hood dream”

“What was your child hood dream?”

“My kids to have a better live than I had”

“Has it been?”

“It has been, a lot”

Live amazes me. Like now. My younger kid run while laughing, and ploughed into my lap.

“Diane Mom… Diane...”

Behind her, Diane, my eldest, run over and hugged her from back.

“Hey… hey… what is this...?”, I asked.

“Diane wanted to kiss me with her nose..”

“What is wrong with that?”

“She put dried snot on it....”

I held Diane’s chin and raised her face up. Oh, I could see a big one. How gross. I flicked it away and she spontaneously looked for it.

We all haw-hawed.

I pierced to the house across the street. The house, that I didn’t know why, has lost its grace beyond my eyes. All my child hood memories of its luxury have faded away with time.

My live now is far below the glory that once overshadowed that house. But really, happiness, in the end, wasn’t all about it, at all.

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