Saturday, July 10, 2010
The Play
Andre's face looked strained, or possibly nervous. Niar was no less anxious to see her lover.
"Ni, I want to apologize," Andre started to get into the real conversation.
"For what?"
"All I have said and done"
"What are you talking about Ndre, don't act weird ..."
Andre drank his juice once, "I ... could no longer continue our relationship. "
After saying that Andre looked afar out the window, not daring to look at Niar.
Niar looked at Andre incredulously, "Ndre ... did I hear youwrong ? "
Andre shook his head.
"What have I done?"
"You have done nothing."
"Then why ..."
"I was wrong. All this time. "
"What do you mean?"
Andre drank the juice again, as this conversation has dried his throat.
"Once again, before, I apologize. Because I've actually never really fell in love with you. "
"What? Then why .. "
"I ... I just wanted to know, what it's like going out with another man's wife. "
Andre would shatter his own head to reveal this. He knew Niar would be hit. But he thought better this way than letting things more excessive.
"Ndre ... how could you ... "
"Yeah, I could. I'm evil. I'm cruel. Say what you want. But I can not pretend any longer. I don't want you to feel deeper. My responsibility on how you feel will be bigger then. So ... let's cut this out, now. "
"You ..."
"Sorry. Sorry ... "
Niar's eyes began to glaze. She seemed to want to say something but stuck in the throat.
"I want to thank you for all your affection for me all this time," said Andre, "but ... I guess ... I have to finish my play. I'm sorry. I want you to know that as long as I have been with you ... "
Niar stood and spoiled her tea into Andre's face, "Enough, I don't want to hear ..." Then went away.
Andre rubbed his face. Bend the table.
***
Niar parked his car in the garage. Her husband's car was not there, so he's not home yet. Raihan greet her once she got out of the car. She embraced her only child, and held out the cake she bought earlier.
Niar couldn't bear to go to her room soon. Raihan followed her around but she softly shoo him away, she wanted to be alone.
"Just a moment, dear. Mama want to change first. Later after that we'll play, ya. Why don't you open the cake while waiting? "
Raihan left.
Niar entered the room and locked the door. Dropped her bag on the floor just like that. Collapsed onto the mattress, take a pillow to cover her head and then laughed loudly.
She's been thinking a way to speak to Andre, to end their love affair. Niar felt Andre loved her more each day, and that would be dangerous. She never thought Andre himself will come with the problem solving, without Niar should feel guilty.
Okay, it's done. Niar hoped Andre will never know, that Niar also just wanted to know, what it's like dating a boy who was 15 years younger than her ... Read more!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
the fire works tonight
"Tomorrow I'm going to pick it up here, ya. Please keep it for me. If I don’t come at seven, and any one wants it, give it. Maybe I don’t deserve it, "I told the shop keeper. He smiled, nodded.
The tiny objects, which I ordered it to pay tomorrow, I would give to Mur, my beloved. Ah ... I dunno. We never pledged our selves as lovers. We just grew up together since childhood. Exactly, I have been keeping Mur since she was born.
I was seven years old when Mur was born. In my house. Not intentionally. Lik Har, Mur's mother, that time, knocked on my door. Early in the dawn. I opened the door, just walked home from Shubuh prayer at the mosque. Lik Har grimaced bit his lip, her left hand holding the wall, and her right hand was clutching her big tummy.
"Lik? Lik Har, what’s wrong with you stomach Lik? "I asked, panicked, then shouted for Mom and Dad.
Mother from the kitchen, father from the room, rushing forward to find Lik Har who suddenly not strong enough to stand. Together they carried Lik Har to couch in the living room. I was still paused at the door, not knowing what to do.
"I ... ah ... like it's time Yu ... Mas Yoto... ah ... is working tonight .. " Lik Har moaning, I got to go hiss. It seems incredible pain.
"Call Yoto’s office, Mas ... or should we just call the midwife? Or directly bring Har to the hospital? "She looked panicked as well.
Lik Yoto, Lik Har’s husband, is a warehouse security guard at a furniture factory. Actually, of course there are phones there. But Lik Har does not have a phone at home. That's why she came to our house to get help for it. That was not a cell phone season. And in the crowded villages where we live, the nearest house that had a phone is our home.
Dad told me to spread the mat and took the pillow. Lik Har laid there. Mother called the midwife. Then call Lik Yoto. But before one of them arrived, Mur was born. And I ... ah, Dad and Mom might be too panicked and I forgot I was there. Yes, I saw how Mur came to this world. I saw the struggling of the baby and mother. Amazing little creature that looks so fragile ...
Since that time, grew in me a desire to protect her. Every day before and after school, I see baby Mur. I accompanied her playing since she was still crawling. Walk. Run. Cycling. Flying kites.
When she started school, I help her studying. If there is a naughty school friend, to me she asked for help. People around us seemed to understand our closeness, and never question anything. The kids my age peers never made fun of us 'going out', as they usually do to boys and girls who hang out too close. They know the story about me helping Mur’s birth ...
I never thought about, how they see me and Mur. I myself never even thought about how the definition of my relationship with Mur.
The time will soon come.
***
Eight years ago, when I started college in another city, Mur entered junior high. I came home every other week, sometimes once a month. Seeing Mur at such intervals, presents a surprise to me every time. Mur suddenly has become a girl. Whether the return of the number, I realized she was no longer a kid who always looked after. Blame me, my caress has been contaminated with love.
I never express it. And I do not see the need. I know, fate had written Mur to be mine.
I remember, the year I asked for permission to Lik Har and Lik Yoto to take Mur to see fireworks in new year’s eve. Mur was too happy she danced when they said yes. She hug me, jumping up and down. From the front, from the side, from behind.
"Hush, Mur. What a bad behavior. You are a big girl, not a child, "scolded his mother.
Since then, every year, I go with Mur to see the fireworks. From year to year, every year, I was amazed at the look in her eyes. It never changed. Like my happiness that never stop, seeing every happiness in her eyes.
Even when finally I worked in Jakarta, I still get home at least every three months. Included at the end of the year. I could not resist too long to miss my Mur. Yes yes yes ... now the phone is no longer such a rare commodity like at her birth. I could feel the joy in every vibrating voice I heard. But nothing can replace seeing his eyes light up whenever she feels happiness.
This year will be the fourth year of my staying in Jakarta. Mur had graduated high school, and work in a shop in downtown. I suggest her to go to college, but she said, she did not want to burden her parents. Only his father works. And still had two more brothers that still must be financed.
It doesn’t matter for me. I do not mind having a wife graduated from high school level, as long as she's as special as Mur. Maybe later, I will ask Mur to just stay home. I will be the one to make a living.
Ah ... my imagination. Yes. This year, I would propose her. I have not said anything to her, yet also to Lik Har or Lik Yoto. I wanted to make a surprise for Mur in the fireworks-night this year. Mur first, then afterward I would formally propose to her parents.
Last week I called Mur, telling about my plan to go home.
"God willing I can go home this end of the year, Mur. We will watch fireworks again. And… I have a surprise for you "
"What is it? A gift? Wa .... this should be good, you are now a big company employee. You must also have large salary. What is it Mas? What what what? "
"Halah, it wouldn’t be a surprise if I say it now. But I hope you'll like it. Be patience, okay? "
"I know I would like it. You always knew the things that I like "
I just laughed.
"I also have a surprise for you"
"Oh really? What?"
"No surprise if I tell you now."
Of course.
***
I arrived just a day before the end of the year. Along the way I tried to guess what the surprise Mur will give me.
Is she going to dress up as pretty as possible to go out with me? Or she also bought a small gift for me, with her salary as a clerk? Or she'll kiss me? I was ashamed imagining it, and unconsciously rubbed my cheek.
The afternoon of December 31, after maghrib. I feel less and less better. Excitement waiting to see Mur, and prepare the simple words but nice to make her bloom. Slowly I approached the house fence.
"Assalamu'alaykum" I said.
"Wa'alaikum salam," Mur was sitting in the living room, then stood up to me. A young man, probably my age, still in his seat, turned and smiled at me.
Without hesitation Mur held my hand, took me inside.
"Mas, this is a surprise that I told yesterday "
I do not want to accept the allegations that had suddenly flashed in my mind. No. Hopefully not. I will not be able to...
"This is Mas Fath. My boyfriend, "Murray smiled looked embarrassed for a while," my supervisor at office... " she continued in a whisper in my ear.
I shook his hand firmly, smile as hard as most happy, for Mur.
"Do you bring the surprise for me?" Said Mur spoiled.
I nodded. Mur clapped a little, smiling widely.
***
Mur forced me to go along with her and Fath. Oh ... dear, how can I? I have given that tiny five grams necklace I bought. I said I'll watch the fireworks with Gun, my high school friend.
But I went alone to the Marina beach. Without Mur. Without her bright eyes of amazement. I was alone. Watching the explosions of fireworks in the sky. That blew my dreams. Blew my love. Blew me.
* as in Cempaka Minggu Ini *
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Friday, October 23, 2009
Genderuwo
The sun has just greeted Dhuha. Net walked half running passing through Mbah Mis’s house.
"Net! Why do you hurry so? Where are you from?" said Mbah Mis half shouted from the veranda of his house.
Net stopped, turned her head to the right, left, to the rear. Silence for a moment, then decided to stop by. She sat beside the Mbah Mis.
"From Lik Tuk’s house, Mbah.”
"Why so hurry?"
"Ah, nothing. I want soon get to home. Take a shower, then back to Lik Tuk again." She paused and then continued, "E ... I ... just bathed Rim’s baby’s dead body, Mbah."
"Inna lillah! Babies? What baby? When was the birth then suddenly it is dead? When did Rim pregnant? "Mbah Mis strafed Net with questions that suddenly strafed her own head.
"I do not know Mbah." Hissing, Net seek forgiveness several times and then continued, "The baby was a boy, Mbah. E ... and ... ah .... His whole body was hairy. Thick."
Mbah Mis-Mouth wide open with the palm of his right hand. She shuddered. Her eyes stared at Net unblinking. Full of questions but not clear what the questions were.
Net stood, "I go home, Mbah. If Mbah want to go there, I'll stop by here on my way there."
***
About eight-nine months ago, Rim was gone for three days. The whole hamlet joined the search in the forests. Some people suggested Tuk to ask a help from a paranormal, but Tuk refused. He also did not want to report this to the police. He said, if Rim could not be found in a week, he will do both at once: for help from paranormal and the police.
Third day seeking Rim, in the afternoon before evening prayer, everyone had just left. Tuk also just entered the house after thanked for their assistance. Tuk suddenly got out again and shouted, "Rim's home! Rim's home!"
Every one turned back to Tuk’s home right away. Noise, of course. Tuk put his finger on his lips, asking for everybody to be quiet.
"Excuse me, but please be quiet. I do not want to interfere Rim, she seemed a little dazed," he said.
"She’s back? Where is she now?" asked Mr. Bayan.
"Inside, sir. At room. I had back, went straight to take bath. I saw Rim entered from the back door. Still wearing the clothes she wears four days ago. Her body was clean, hair neat, too. I was wrong, I guess. I immediately asked her where she’s been, with who, why. She cried. So I think I should let her take some rest in the room first, let her calm. I'll be ask her slowly."
"Can I see her? Only me, let the others stay here," said Mr. Bayan.
Tuk paused before finally saying, "Okay, Mr. Bayan. We apologize, others. I do not want to make Rim more nervous."
Mr. Bayan was only allowed to take a peek through door aperture, to see that Rim has really gone home. Without the voice of Mr. Bayan got closer and peered inside. In the dim light Rim was sitting in bed hugging her knees. As Tuk said, her hair neatly tied. Tears were overflowing her face.
They went out again. From mosque adzan was shouting calling for everyone to come and pray, but people were still waiting. Apparently could not help but wonder what has happened.
"Yeah, I saw him. I think we’d better go home now. Let Rim feel better. Later Lik Tuk will ask for explanations slowly," explained Mr. Bayan.
"Yeah right. I apologize for troublesome for days. Thank you very much. I am also confused what has happened. Later, if Rim speaks, God willing, I'll tell all, what has happened with her. Forgiveme, forgive the inconveniences. Thank you, thank you very much everyone, "Tuk bent his bow-in-the asserted saying his apology and thanks.
The next day the news spread. During the three days lost, Rim could see all the people who seeked her. She wanted to call and tell that she was fine, but no one was looking at her or hear her voice. Rim said, according to Tuk, she was taken by a dashing handsome man, to a magnificent and beautiful palace...
***
Rim is Tuk’s only daughter. The only one Tuk lived with, since his wife died of dengue fever three years ago. They live in the southern edge of the village. Most edge, at the foot of the hill, close to the forest.
Rim is 16. She just graduated elementary school two years ago. Everyone knew Rim was not smart kid and had a couple of times stayed at the same grade. Even according to the news circulated, she was let be graduated because the teacher could not wait to teach her any longer.
In the last two years, Rim became very quiet and closed. Rarely out of the house. At first her girl friends still came visit her. But Rim really lost joy and cheerfulness, so they felt uncomfortable. No one dared to ask Tuk or Rim what has happened.
TUk once told about the changes in Rim, to his nearest neighbor, Dhe To. Tuk said, Rim changed to be like that since her love was rejected by Kus, son of Mr. Lurah who is currently studying in college in Solo.
Since the incident where she was gone for three days, nobody ever sees Rim got out the house.
***
Net and Jan sat in front of Mbah Mis’s house. Mbah Mis down the floor, leaning against the pole. They had just returned home from Tuk’s house. A lot to talk about. But they were too afraid.
"What are you thinking Mbah?" Jan started the conversation.
"Thinking of what? I did not dare to think of anything. If I say it but it was wrong, that would be a mistake I make."
"Oh, Mbah. This is between us. Just a little sharing between the hearts…"
Net said, "Frankly I was a little shudder when thinking about this. This morning when I bathed the baby, my body was shaking. Never once before. I also dare not to comment. Rim also said nothing and coul not be questioned. I just asked to Lik Tuk when the birth, and the death was."
"What did Tuk say?" asked Mbah Mis.
"Yes, like everyone discussed. Some time before maghrib Lik Tuk heard someone knocking on the door of his house. But when he opened it there was noone. He also heard a few people who are rushing noise like doing something, but it is not clear from which direction the sound was. He even had surrounded the house many times. When the voices were gone, Rim came out of the room with the baby, dead ... "
"So, all this time Rim was in pregnancy? We do not know it, because she never left the house. Today, is about nine months since the incident she she was gone for three days. Is it?" asked Mbah Mis.
"Mbah, can people have a child from ghosts?" asked Jan.
"Hush! Astaghfirullah. Naudzubillah naudzubillah naudzubillah! Be careful what you say Jan. Only Allah knows best. I do not know."
"What do you mean Mbah? So why did you bring us to calculate the time between the incident by now? Yeah sure it was the first thing going through my head, Mbah!"
"Sh ... Stop it. I do not want to talk about this. You go home now. Not good gossiping about death."
Jan and Net up, left Mbah Mis.
***
Day seven Eidil Fitri, six months since the death of Rim’s. Nok planned to go back to Jakarta the next day. That afternoon he took time to stop by Tuk’s house, almost forgotten to visit.
Nok invited to enter. Nok greeted Tuk, saying 'sorry physically and spiritually' and then sat on the bench.
"Sorry Nok. I have nothing to serve. I do not have time to find treats for Eidil Fitri. Ah, I still feel worry about Rim"
"Rim? Oh, I do not see Rim. Where is she?"
Tuk suddenly muffled sob.
"I do not know what we have done wrong Nok, why something like this happen again to Rim."
"What?"
"Rim is gone again, Nok, don’t you know?"
"No Lik. When? Why did not anyone help to seek? I remembered, she once was gone, but then went home herself. How did it happen this time? Why didn’t anyone tell about this?"
Tuk wiped his tears, "Today is exactly forty days, Nok"
Nok stupendous surprise, "Forty days? That means it happened before the fasting month?"
Tuk nodded, "I'm just waiting for her to come home Nok. Once she was gone for three days. It’s been forty days now. I do not know how long, but I'm sure she'll come home. "
"Oh God what are you thinking Lik? Are you not worried what might happen with Rim? She's a girl!"
"I understand your concern, Nok. But I'm sure you do not understand how I feel. I'm not asking you to. Let me go through all this."
Nok did not believe it. But Tuk was right, he also could not understand how Lik Tuk feels. So he chose to leave, "I hope Rim will be home soon. I will have to go back to Jakarta to run my business tomorrow. Wish me luck, Lik"
"Yes Nok. Thank you. We’ll pray for each other…"
***
Tuk walked Nok to the fence, and got inside and shut the door. The tears began to flow again when he entered Rim’s room. Sobbing he sat on Rim’s bed.
When he realized Rim pregnant last year, he easily made the story 'Rim was missing taken by genderuwo'. These villagers are still strongly believe the things superstitious and mystical. He told Rim to stay hiding in the house. People believed that Rim was missing and spread into the forest looking for her, no one search the house. Actually he wanted Rim to get 'gone' much longer. But after three days, Rim could not stand it and threatened to scream. Tuk was forced to accept the offer to let Rim 'home'. At least he had succeeded in making people think that the baby Rim born was son of Genderuwo. Better that way.
This time actually Tuk to wamted it that way again. But Rim could no longer deal with the bargain. She did not want to pretend to be lost. She refused to hide herself at home. She threatened to show herself and let people know she was pregnant. She'd tell people who was the father of the baby inside, which was also the father of the dead baby six months ago. The father who covered the baby’s nose and mouth until it was dead. Rim really did not care disgrace. The threat that Tuk would kill her did not work anymore. Even when Tuk brandished his scythe in front of her, she offered her neck.
"Kill me. Kill me Dad! I would rather die than live like this!"
Tuk went crazy. Although the distance to the nearest neighbors house no less than six hundred yards, he worried Rim would scream louder. So swing the scythe.
For a long time, indefinitely, he will not approach the bushes at the south corner of his field, where he has buried Rim. He will memorize Rim off here, in her room ...
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Sunday, July 19, 2009
the plan
aL and I face to face. a low round table with a tiny glass of oil between us. wicked on a thread, floating on a three clover shaped cork. why didn’t they make it four?
aL blew her smoke on me, I coughed, she laughed.
"I remember that exhibist near my campus" she said.
"why?"
"he liked it when his victim scream or scared. but some one has shrunk him and made him gone forever
"oh ya? who? how? "
"I did. I stared at what he showed me. I told him, his penis was ugly, small, and it didn’t attract me at all. the thing shrank. he was ashamed and gone "
aL roared. I was dumbfounded.
"that's what we should do to those crazy people who bombed those hotels," she said again.
"do what...?"
"shrink them"
"how?"
"show them that the action was stupid and useless," aL put her smoke down to the ashtray.
I just wait. aL has begun to bend her body to me, ready to spoil more advanced sentence.
"I am resentful that SBY was afraid to come to the location right then. with the reason that the location has not been sterilized. even showed us an evidence that he was once a sniper target. "
"that’s normal, right?"
"no it’s not! it is normal that he was a target. come on, he is #1 person in this country. but if he is afraid to be shot, don't show up everywhere. no need to visit here and there, nor open the car window, nor wave his hand to the people awaiting for him along the road. just dwell in the palace. or ride an anti-bomb car.. "
"I think he was just being aware. in normal situations he can move freely. but in this case ... "
"in the situation like now, it IS stupid to shoot the president in the bomb location. too many police. what seem normal and safe is some times actually dangerous "
tension in aL's face started flagging. again she relied. her legs raised, be embraced. eyes closed. and began to speak again, as in the delirious mumble.
"who can convince the world that
" people died aL ... beside, may be our government couldn’t give them security guarantees"
aL revived.
"so what? every one could die anytime, any where. you can not avoid death. if SBY did not come to the location, is there any guarantee that he would be safe anyway? at least don’t make it look worse. that’s the plan. that’s what the terrorists wanted, to scare us. don’t you get it ....?" aL seemed so annoyed.
"are you annoyed because MU canceled their visit?"
"I don’t really care about MU. I am annoyed because SBY has made the terrorist thought they succeeded scaring people"
aL slammed her body again. another brake again. shut up. I thought aL
the news flash in the TV was still about what we were talking about. this time it was an interview with one hotel visitor from
still in eyes closed, aL pointed right to the TV.
"that’s how it should be. don’t give the suicide bomb a damn. never let the terrorists managed to drop our mental. we should drop theirs. their bomb may blow us, but never let them proud for succeeding frightening us. SBY should be ashamed with that Korean designer "
aL asleep, really asleep. snoring. damn.
***
for this week's sundayscribblings prompt: the plan
my deepest sympathy to all victims at JW Marriot and Ritz Carlton, Jakarta. and go to hell who ever has blown your selves together with the bomb...
Saturday, March 7, 2009
“Jay please listen, this is important!”
“This better be really important, ‘cause I have an important meeting at eight”, he said.
“Can we sit down for a while? I…”
“Just say it”
“I’d rather telling you this while we sit and..”
“Just say it”
I have made him stop to listen to me. Do I need to push him to sit down, but then he would walk away instead of listening to what I am about to say?
I took one deep breathe, “I am pregnant”
I knew I wouldn’t find a smiling happy face. But still I was disappointed when I didn’t see it. He opened his mouth, not saying a word. But his eyes asked questions, “What? Are you kidding? Are you crazy? Do you realize what you are talking about?”
I didn’t need to hear anything. He opened the door, got out, and slammed it, left me standing facing it.
***
Pregnant.
Years ago it would have been a good reason. It would make a guy you were crazy about and dying loving, but didn’t love you that much, willing to marry you. You wouldn’t care about what happen next. You could see a divorce right after a baby born. But you always thought you could still hope it wouldn’t happen.
A pregnant would make your parents let a guy you were crazy about and dying loving, and loved you the same 0r more; but they didn’t like, to marry you. You would hope a baby would defrost the ice between you and your parents, and more babies would make them finally see you and your guy were meant to be.
I made myself believe I could use the same reason to make Jay stay. Marriage has been so plain in the last year – if you are too afraid to call it bitter. This house, and me, were no longer home to Jay. I meant, he still came here to go home, and nowhere else. But conversations didn’t go further than ‘where’s my shirt’ or ‘good night’ or ‘I won’t be home for dinner’ or ‘I have to go’.
I couldn’t see what was wrong with us. Things were so good in our first years. He didn’t want children until he reached manager level. Now he has, but still he told me to wait a ‘little more time until we have our life settled’. We never talked about how ‘settled’ was to him or to me. I could take whatever life we had but he still had plans.
I still tried to think positive, until few months ago when we both were ready for bed. I laid my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. Listened to his heart beat as I always liked to do.
“
I raised my head and looked at him, “What did you just ask me? Off course I still do”
“I’m sorry. Just asking”
He took his arms off me and turned around, and slept. Or, pretended to.
***
It was date 17 last month. We were having a candle light dinner I have arranged two weeks before. A 5th marriage anniversary should be romantic. I did my best cooking and dressing. Jay, as I asked, got home earlier from work.
He sat across the table. I took his hand and waited for flowers and glittery hearts falling around us. But the love song I played from the CD sounds like a choir of a group of cows. Air freshener lost its power. And I felt so dummy.
“This won’t work,
I did my best not to cry. But I couldn’t help my self not to ask why.
“Why, Jay? What has gone wrong? What did I do?”
He shook his head and sighed.
“I don’t know
“You don’t have what?”
I wished I hadn’t asked. He didn’t have any feeling for me any more, but he couldn’t tell why.
It just didn’t make sense to me. There is always a reason for everything. I was ready for the worst one. So I wasn’t hurt at all when I, from a corner of a cafe I knew he usually went after work, saw him kissing my best friend.
***
“Please
“I won’t ask for more after this Jay. Make love to me for the last time before you really decide to leave”
“
“I don’t care. I will put all my love in it. Please…”
So we did it. I, as I promised, gave all my love through the play. I cried.
“Why are you crying? See? I shouldn’t have done this if it only made you cry”, Jay felt guilty.
“Did you ever hear about tears of happiness?”
He believed they were tears of happiness. But I knew what they exactly were.
We have gone to the marriage counselor these last two weeks. Things didn’t work well, Jay has really lost his eager to stay with me. I couldn’t think of any other way…
***
He was packing his luggage. Nothing left in the closet. And he didn’t say a word.
“Jay…”
He still didn’t answer me.
“Jay please. I was just trying what I could to make you stay. Jay, give me a chance….”
He walked here and there picking up things and put them in his travel back, while I was following behind him, begging him to stay.
“Jay… I thought a baby would be nice. It will make you a daddy… we will be a real family. We can start all over again. I promise…”
He turned back and yelled at me, “Well you thought wrong! Now will you please step back so I can finish packing and leave?”
I stepped back. I sat on the bed edge. I watched him finishing packing. I watched him walking out the room.
I didn’t follow. I didn’t want to see him walk out the door…
*****
for this weeks sundayscribblings prompt: Listen up, because this is important!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Happy birthday, honey….

I said the words to you, then I kissed your chubby cheek, and I hugged you close and tenderly.
Should have been. That’s how it should have been. At least, that’s how I’ve imagined should have been. But look at what I did then. I said this in front of your gravestone. No birthday cake with candle you’d blow with your tiny mouth. Or the warmth of family sitting together. No laugh, spoil pout, funny look, fussy lips and your cheerful face.
Only red soil heap, piled with a stone, written on with your name, your birthday and your pass away date, which even still in the same year. Pain covered my time and space. Tears, sadness, heartache, sorrow….
I spread out the last grab of flowers I brought. I rubbed your epitaph once again, and I sent you a warm loving kiss.
***
You have become my life since the first second I saw you. More than the time I realized your existence inside me. Yes, finding that you are a part of me that I finally could touch and hold. Seeing you so frail, I had to take care of you, protect you. You have became my everything.
Miracle by miracle you brought to my eyes has filled my life and my heart. Endear me, eager to always give you the best, to sacrifice. To give you anything you wish, nothing no for you.
I could still hear you laughing. Your innocent eyes that wouldn’t let me let you hurt. Your humbly mumbling, but I could understand what you desired.
I could still remember every single movement you made, from the simple one, to your first ever step. How you slowly rose up. Then you looked at me who was few steps away. You looked at me like trying to say,’ Mommy, I’m coming to you. Reach for me, don’t let me fall…’ So I reached to you and you move slightly. One step, one more step... faster…. Faster… until you hit me. I hugged you as a congratulations for you effort, and you looked at me with shiny eyes, ‘I did it… I did it…’
I never thought it was the beginning of your end. As you walked more steady and stable, you desire became stronger. You wanted to stop crawling. And you wanted to explore more, to satisfy you curiosity of everything you see, and everything you wanted to see.
***
I stared at you photo again, with the wild flower crown I made for you. The flowers we picked from the garden behind our house. You stood still and let me put it on. Your puffy tiny nose, tell me that you are the most beautiful girl in the world.
‘beauty, na…’
‘Yes, my dear. Na beautiful…’
You, are the most beautiful princess in the world. You are the world to me. Your pass away have grabbed my world, that have became alive with your presence, it grabbed even my whole life before it….
I looked away to the street, through the opened front door. I regret, though I know it is no use, the day I let it open and left you play here alone in this room, while I was preparing water to bathe you. I could still clearly hear the wheels squeaking, and a neighbor screaming.
Frantically I ran out the house and screamed, seeing your little body laid right before that white sedan’s nose, splashed some red on it. My sight suddenly darkened…
I hold your picture tighter close to my chest and feel the pain again. Losing you, my little angel. Everybody told me not to blame myself, but how can I tell myself the same?. Today you should have been one year old. I never wanted to make a big party, with balloons filling the room, or guests bringing presents. I only wanted to be with you, and your dad, thank God for all blesses He gave us, and wish for more to fall over…
I tried to face the reality. But I still can not stop these tears from overflowing each time I remember you, and I remember you in every single beat of my heart….
Happy birthday, Na….
****************
for this week's sundayscribblings prompt: regrets
Friday, January 2, 2009
live amazes me every time...
Part one
Live amazes me
Like this time. I sat before this amazing bike. It is pink and white with a bell on its right handle. And a basket in front of it, with a picture of a girl wearing pink dress and holding a basketful of wild flowers.
I turned the pedal forward, the back wheel was turning, hypnotizing.
This bike was a present for being upgraded. Not for me, but for Enny.
***
Enny was my neighbor. She was such a lucky girl. Her parents were rich, and she was the only kid. They lived in the big house in front of ours.
I mean, our house was big. But it was still unfinished. The wall was naked, the windows didn’t have glasses, but covered by multiplex. The floor wasn’t concrete or ceramics or wood. It was soil. My dad was still trying to collect more money to finish our house.
Enny’s house was a castle to me. It has two pillars at the front. The windows were wide and all had glass blocked. That’s how our windows would be like, my father said. The curtains were double. First layer was white transparent, the outer layer was glittery and smooth. The floor was shiny and cold. That’s where I and Enny played every time after school.
Enny was a very kind friend. She shared everything she had with me. Her dolls, her cooking toys, her magazines.
She lent me a harmonica. She couldn’t play it but she had the manual book and let me read it. We would be happy if I found a notation of a song and play it. Our favorit song was a Japanese, Kokoronotomo. We didn’t know the words, at all. It just sound good and soft.
In the living room, she had a grand piano. It was kinda weird to me, since nobody in that big house could play it. I wanted to try but wasn’t allowed.
“My Dad said you can play anything I have, but that one”, Enny said.
“It’s. okay, En. It must be so expensive. I’m afraid I would break it, my father wouldn’t be able to pay the reparation bill”
I felt lucky enough to have some of her used dresses. They all were still beautiful, even better than my new ones, dresses that my mother bought in a traditional market.
***
Enny sat across the pink bike and let me admire it.
“Can I borrow it, please?”, I asked, hopefully.
“Sure. But I will try first, you can try after me”, oh wasn’t she an angel?
“Yes. I won’t go far. I will only ride until that cross and turn back. Then we could ride together around the village, what do you think? I will use my own bike”
She nodded.
My bike was just as big as hers. But it was a used one, when my father brought it to me as a new bike. He bought it from a friend. My bike was red, but it’s been faded and turned into brown in some parts. My Father bought a bell and put it on. But it doesn’t have a basket like Enny’s. And the chain cover was gone. But it’s ok, my chain loosen a lot. A case would be an inconvenient to me when I had to fix it up.
Live Amazes me every time.
Enny got this bike for her upgraded from 3rd to 4th. I’ve been the 1st rank since my first report to the last during my three years in elementary school, but my father never gave me any present as an award.
I knew exactly how our condition was. And I would never protest. My father was just a labor while Enny’s father was a governor’s officer. But I was just an eight year old girl, with a jealousy that some times came out, if only Enny wasn’t that kind to me.
Part two.
Live amazes me.
Like this time.
A sunny Sunday morning. As my habit I had made, I visit my father at least once a month. I and Dad were sitting in front of our house. The house was now perfect, at least at father's measurement. The walls were covered. The windows had glasses, and the floor was covered with ceramic tile
Enny came out of her house. She smiled at me and said. “Morning, Nil. When did you come?”
I walked closer to the fence so I didn’t have to yell answering her.
“Last night. Where are you going?”
“See my shop”
“Oh, the cafe. How is it going?”
“What café? It’s just a coffee shop. Almost zero visitor. I guess I’ll have to close it in a mean time. But as long as it is open, I have to run it, right?”
I nodded and waved my hand as she went away with her motor bike
I looked at the house and try to remember when was the last time I explored farther than guest room. It is still big. The curtains have been changed. But I really had no idea what was more inside.
Since I was in high school, I had less time interacting with Enny. I was too busy. Busy studying. My father promised me, I could go to college but only if I got scholarship. Of course, my father wouldn’t have money to pay my study in university without it. And busy working as a part timer, because I needed more money to buy books and all my needs.
My father has retired four years ago. I have finished studying and so has my little sister. I’ve got married and work at a lawyer firm with my husband. And I have two wonderful children.
Enny has finished colleging too. But still hasn’t got a job. She hasn’t got married, more over having children. And she still lives with her father who has retired two years before my father. She opened a café, I can barely remember when. But she said it didn’t give enough benefits. She kept running it just to give her something to do. She just said that she might have to close it.
“I often feel sad about that friend of yours”, Dad said, I get sat back beside him.
“Why?”
“Can’t you see?”
“I might see it, but in other way”
“How do you see it?”
I raised my shoulders.
“I can not explain it exactly. It’s just… ugh… how live has turned upside down. I used to feel jealous to Enny when I was kid”
“Do you think Enny’s the one who is feeling jealous to you now??”
“I’m not saying that. But, seeing how she is now… “ I shook my head again, ” I’d rather be who I was and who I am now. I was poor then, but I can have all I need now. More than I’ve ever hoped for, more than my child hood dream”
“What was your child hood dream?”
“My kids to have a better live than I had”
“Has it been?”
“It has been, a lot”
Live amazes me. Like now. My younger kid run while laughing, and ploughed into my lap.
“Diane Mom… Diane...”
Behind her, Diane, my eldest, run over and hugged her from back.
“Hey… hey… what is this...?”, I asked.
“Diane wanted to kiss me with her nose..”
“What is wrong with that?”
“She put dried snot on it....”
I held Diane’s chin and raised her face up. Oh, I could see a big one. How gross. I flicked it away and she spontaneously looked for it.
We all haw-hawed.
I pierced to the house across the street. The house, that I didn’t know why, has lost its grace beyond my eyes. All my child hood memories of its luxury have faded away with time.
My live now is far below the glory that once overshadowed that house. But really, happiness, in the end, wasn’t all about it, at all.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
a cloudy saturday afternoon
for this weeks sundayscribbling's prompt, late
In the middle of a schoolyard, in the edge of the village, a group of boys were playing baseball. The sun was about to fall to the horizon line, but the game was in the climax. The hitter group almost had their players run home. Pitik the last hitter, hit the ball so strong, straight to Bayu's hand. Bayu held the ball, but he suddenly frozen. The supporter out of the area screamed and shouted, told him to do something with the ball.
“Yu! Over here! Throw the ball to me!!”, shouted Wawan who was standing next to the last base.
But Bayu just stood there still.
His friends screamed at him again. The other group players have one by one touched all the bases.
One…
Two…
Three…
Four runners run across the home line. Only Pitik left to touch the last base.
“Bayu! Stop daydreaming! The ball the ball the ball…!!!” his friends started to get mad.
Bayu haw. He threw the ball to Wawan who caught it right and ready to stop Pitik.
Bayu didn't care about the ball anymore, he didn't care about his friends, he didn't care about the game. He run like a thunder, left the field straight to his house. Left Wawan completely dazed. Left Pitik who was still running to the last base and did a home run.
Pitik and his group cheered and jumped for their winning in the last inning. The ball was still in Wawan's hand, fixed in enchantment of their defeat He slammed the ball to the ground, no mercy. “Stupid Bayu!. Crazy boy! What is wrong with him?”
***
Bayu kept running like a ghost was chasing behind him. He turned twice, run over a bridge, scattered a bunch of chicken, let Mbah Tumi shouted, “Yu! why are you running like that…?”
Dad's come, I can't be late. Dad's come, I can't be late. Dad's come, I can't be late.
Those words echoed in his head. His step got slower as he got into the street in front of his house, slower as he entered his house gate, and stopped few feet before the door.
He stood still, stared in. It was so quite.
Slowly he stepped into the wide quite living room. He continued walking entered the living room with the same situation he caught. Doubtfully he opened the west room, it hasn't been open for a long time.
Dark. Musty. And there was nobody. No sound, only his ruffle breath after running along the way home.
Bayu turned around and walked to the kitchen. Grandma was fixing the wood and blowing the fire in the stove.
“Mbah…”, he called his granny gently. Still she was a little bit shocked.
“Hey, Yu… I didn't hear you coming. What is wrong with you?"
Bayu walked approaching Grandma in sat next to her.
“Where's Dad?”
Grandma put the wood down, wiped his hands on her ashy skirt, and stroke her beloved grandson's head tenderly.
“Your Dad is still in
“But I felt he was coming. I felt he was at home, and brought me lot of presents…”
Grandma grabbed Bayu into her arms.
“No, Yu. He's not coming yet”
Bayu cuddled up. Tears started to fall over his face.
“When will he be home, Mbah?”
“In three months, dear. Be patient okay..”
“I miss Dad, Mbah..”
“I know, darling. But your Dad has to work and gain money there. Be patient, in three months he will come and bring you a lot of presents…”
Bayu cried. His shoulders shook.
“Do you want to read your dad's letters again?”
Bayu shook his head, then got up and waked to his room.
He stared at a picture that's always been there on his desk. Dad, Mom, him.
Right after his parents got married, they went to find a job in
These past two years, only Dad comes visit him every six months, Mother has died caused by breast cancer. These past two years, his Dad is the only one he waits for.
Bayu tried to remember again, and yes Dad has come three months ago. So Grandma was right, he has to wait for another three months.
He heard the sound of holy Al-Qur’an from the mosque behind the house as the dawn was falling. Maghrib is coming. Bayu put the picture back to the table, and went out to take a bath. He would go to the mosque to do sholat maghrib. After that he would pray to Allah, for Dad's health, so he could come and see him in three months...
Friday, November 14, 2008
The stranger I've known
for this week's prompt in suncayscribblings, stranger
and I'm not worried about my bad English :D
***
The second our eyes met, time stopped. And I saw thousands fireworks sparkling, becoming an amazing background to a wonderful sight, as he walked to my direction in a slow motion. “Hi, I am Yusril’, he raised his hand to me.
“Kia”, I gave my hand to welcome his.
In my hart, I was still grumbling to the man who has sent me to this time and place. A Training for Health Database Management.
“But Sir, this is about health” I said.
“Yes, it is about working on health database. But what is required here is ability in using computer. That’s all.”, Mr. Heru tried to convince me.
“I don’t understand computer that much. All I can do is operating some programs”
“Oh that’s fine. We don’t need programmers. The program’s been built. This training is for trainer to work on the programs, which is about health data base management”
Mr. Heru isn’t my direct boss. He is the chief from the next room department, who has asked permission from my boss, to let me join this training, on his advice. Unfortunately, (or fortunately?) my boss said ‘yes’. “I like to see my kids improve themselves,” he said. O yeah, of course.
“Ratna said she wanted to go,” I still tried to find a reason for me not to go. Five days. If only the training would be held in one or two days, I’ll be glad to. But I never left my daughter Tiara, that long.
“O , I knew it. If I asked her, I’m sure she’ll say yes right then. But I prefer you to go. This training is a national level. We bring our institution’s name. There’s no way I will send Ratna”
“What is wrong with Ratna anyway?”
Ah, no need to answer, I already knew. She would be too busy hunting for men than concentrating on the training.
Now look at what’s happening here. This is a training for health database management. But aren’t we supposed to understand the components of the data? The first sessions was to generalize the perceptions of those. Mother’s mortality, baby’s mortality, K1, K4, preg-mom…
The training participants are doctors, nurses, midwives, masters in society health… I’m the only engineer. Along the session, I kept in silence.
“Kia, say something. Come on, what are you thinking?” the moderator of my discussion group tried to dig something from me.
“I’m sorry, sir. I’m trying to figure out some thing. These problems are much too complicated for me. My knowledge about this is just too shallow. This shallow”, I made a space of an inch with my thumb and my point finger, “What is K1? I don’t know what K1, K4 are. What I know is K-225. That’s a concrete mix with the pressure capacity of 225 kilograms per square centimeters”.
No body could hold them selves not to laugh. And they made a nickname for me: K1 engineer.
***
Day two lunch. Yusril was having the dessert for this meal time.
“Why are you using your left hand to eat?” I asked.
The answer sounded like an echo to words in my head.
“I think I am basically left handed. But old people were right hand oriented. The said left hand wasn’t right. So it’s kind of something I was pushed to. I finally write with my right hand, so badly. But I play badminton with my left hand. I do hard things such is hammering, sawing, with left hand too”
“I don’t mind to do thing with left hand, but I think you still should eat using your right hand”
“When there are spoon and fork, I’d hold the spoon with my right hand. But if there only a spoon, it will end up like this”, he showed me a little spoon he was holding.
You don’t have to explain, I already knew.
***
Third day, after visiting the people in the village, which was so tiring because we needed to walk to reach the house of the pregmoms (finally I understood the meaning: pregnant mom), we had to go right back to our class to work on the data we took. So we turned on our notebooks.
I peaked a little to Yusril’s wallpaper. A family photo. Him, a beautiful lady carrying a baby like 10 months old, and a boy of 7 years old who was so proudly showing his plane toy.
“Your family?”
Yusril nodded. I felt strange. I don’t know about this. I waited for a moment, may be some visions of Yusril family will come. But it didn’t happen.
***
Dinner.
I knew he would get some shrimp. ”my favorite”, He showed me the biggest one.
“I know”
“How do you know?”
Ya, how do I know? I just knew it. I knew you like shrimp. And I knew you don’t like football. I knew your shoulder was once wounded when you were playing badminton, that made you had to stop doing that sport. But I don’t know how I knew it all. I knew it, that’s all. I knew everything about you, except your name, which I knew because you mentioned it in our first met.
***
It was almost midnight. I was still watching television in my hotel room. National programs. This hotel doesn’t have Cable TV, I can not watch CNN, AXN, HBO, Cartoon Network…
I grabbed the remote controller and turned it off. I laid down and tried to get some sleep. I was so tired but could not close my eyes. I kept thinking about Yusril. No, its not Yusril I was thinking of. But me, how suddenly I knew everything about him. I really didn’t understand. I was so sure I never met him before.
My cell phone rang. Sindhu.
“Hi honey, still awake?”
“I’m trying to sleep. What about you?”
“Soon. I’m still watching a film. How was the day? Tired?”
“Quite. We did a field trip today”
“Take a rest. I don’t want you to be sick”
“OK”
“Good night Kia, Love you”
“Good night, Sindhu, love you too”
I usually called Sindhu. I didn’t know why I forgot to. The day was so crowded. And my head was full of my can-not –understood thought about Yusril…
***
Last day. A tour. Beach. Nothing I like more than beaches. I love beaches. Especially the clean ones. So I could walk barefoot along the sandy shore. And felt the waves came over and splashed on me. And the cool wind blew my hair. Some times it was too strong I had to struggle to stay standing.
But this time we sat. Afar from the water, under the palm tree. Yusril was sitting beside me, holding a cola can he bought from an old lady who didn’t stop following us
“Kia, I wanted to asked you some questions. But I apologize if it made you feel uncomfortable”
“What is it?”
“Have we ever met?”
“I don’t think so. Why?”
He took a breath, and went on.
“Where did you spend your childhood?”
“
“
“So we’re not childhood friends”
“No”
“But why do I feel I’ve known you?”
I looked at him. I looked into his eyes and found confusions as I was feeling.
“Oh really? Why are you feeling that way?”
“Suddenly I know everything about you. I know what you like and what you don’t. I know your habits. I know everything. This kind of… bothering”
I could not say a word.
“Kia, forgive me, but can I see your back?”
“Yus, you know it’s indecent”
“Ya, ya, I know. I’m sorry. Just tell me then. Do you have a scar, there, cut with a knive by your sister when you both were playing cooking?”
Oh my God. What’s happening to us? I drooped. I felt like I’ve known this guy all my life. A stranger I met few days ago.
“Kia. Answer me”
“Do I have to? I believe you already knew it, though I don’t know how”
“Are you experiencing this strange feeling too?”
“Ya”
For a while we didn’t say a thing. Drown in our own thought. Trapped and mixed up in confusions
“Kia”
“Ya?”
“I wanted to tell you this, but I was afraid I might upset you”
“Just say it. I think whatever you wanted to say, is already stick in my head”
“I don’t know why I feel I’ve known you, to the details. And this is so confusing. I mean, we really never met before, did we?”
“I don’t thing you know me to all details”
“What do you mean?”
“I know your knowledge about me stop at a point of time. You don’t know anything about my husband, my daughter, my marriage. You know nothing about my life after I got married”
“Is that what you…” he didn’t continue his sentence, he didn’t need to.
“What’s happening, Yus?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know. What confused me most, and made me so not comfortable at the same time, is, the feeling that, I don’t know when, some time in our past, you are… my wife”
I stared at him. I never thought he would be able to say that.
“I only got married once. With Sindhu, my present husband”
“I know. I also got married once, with Dewi, my present wife. I just don’t understand. I… I….”
Suddenly my tears fell down my face. I didn’t know what tears were those. A huge happiness filled my heart. A happiness cause I felt like I’ve found some one I’ve been waiting for, for hundred years. Hundred years…. Oh I’m 27 and I felt a longing paid off after hundred years! But at the same time I felt pain. This guy was surely nobody. He was just a guy who came to me few days ago, raised his hand and said his name.
I laid my head on his chest. Closed my eyes. But I didn’t sleep. I could feel him kissing my hair. May be he thought I was sleeping. Or he knew I wasn’t so he did that? I didn’t care. I only wanted to stay in that moment, a moment I didn’t know if I will ever have a chance to find again or not.
I’ll go home and back to Sindhu tomorrow, and may be I’ll just forget all this weirdness. Or I'll keep thousands questions stay in my head.
Read more!Friday, October 31, 2008
the wait
warning, before continue reading, let me first apologize for every mistake I might make, writing in English. I'm just an Indonesian who loves to write...
this is for sundayscribblings this week's prompt, scandalous
Her agitation was raising up. She could no longer count how many times she sat, and stood, and sat again , and stood again. On the edge of the bed, on the chair in the living room, in the guest room…. Walking here and there from her room to the kitchen. Then back to her room again. Turned on the tv, to l eave it to stand next to the window. Then went back to the room an turned off the tv. And sat again
She looked at her phone cell. It didn’t ring. No calls nor messages. She checked out every five minutes. But off course still nothing. Because if there was any, that thing would have rang. She thought may be her phone was error. SO she turned it off and opened the case. She took the battery, and the chip. She cleaned them although she knew they weren’t dirty. She put them on, and turned it on. And checked again like every minute, but nothing changed.
She grabbed a novel she bought few days ago. There are times reading could kill time. But some times it doesn’t help at all. Like this time. Her fingers have opened few pages, but then she realized, nothing has got into her head. Not even passed by. SO she started from the last point she could remember. Again and again. Her eyes were reading, but her heart and mind were flying away……
She look at the clock on the south wall, right in front of the chair she was sitting on.. Why did she feel it didn’t move? Was it broken? So she looked at her watch, it showed exactly the same. The clock on her phone cell showed two minutes earlier. Forgivable deviation. So the clock was not broken, there was no way all clocks in this house were broken.
***
Dina realized who she was. Her position. Her situation. This was her choice, and she understood all the consequences.
Dina also realized who Juna was. His position. His situation. And this was a part of her choice.
Juna once reminded her about this.
“I just want to make sure you understand the situation”
“I knew it all, Jun. Every single thing”
“Not just knowing, but understanding”
“I understand”
“The choice we made, the consequences…”
“I unerstand that too, and I will face it”
Juna stared at the woman’s eyes. There sadness, surrender, hopes, and indescribable love. Dina stared at the man. There are pity, protection, promises and abundant affection.
“I only wish for your happiness, Din. If this will just hurt you, I will surely refuse to do”
“What made you think I will suffer? My happiness may not bo complete. But if you leave me, you will just take it all away, and nothing left for me”
They never stop communicating. Juna called and sent messages any time he could. From jokes to sigh. From seduction to anger. Ah no... he never was angry. May be he was, but he never showed it. He always said, “It’s ok…”. It was Dina who some times sulked. But Dina always remind her self not to, because it was a part of the consequences of her choice. Juna never talked about it though.
Dina knew exactly who Juna was. His activities as a big businessman has left so many littla time for them to meet. Because, even for his first wife, Juna only had so limited time. Juna run his business from
But physically, Dina had to accept that Juna’s time for her is almost not there. Her days waiting, some times only paid off with one hour or two being together. And she accepted it.
***
Like today. She’s been waiting for two weeks, and Juna said they could meet today. He is having a meeting in
But it’s been four hours since the last message Juna sent before the meeting. Dina wanted to remind Juna, could he forget. No, he never did. But four hours... he never did a meeting this long. Dina didn’t want to upset him. No, Juna would not be up set. He will just answer shortly: Still in meeting, I’ll call you. Luv you.
Suddenly Dina shocked by the vibration of her phone cell. Juna! No. It’s her mother. Not that she wasn’t happy her mother called, but she was hoping for Juna’s call.
“Halo, Dina?”
“Halo Mother”
“I just finished shopping in Pasar Minggu. I’m about to go home, Can I stop by?”
“Not now, Ibu..”
“Why? Ah… Is Juna there?”
“Mm… yeah…”
“I also want to meet him”
“You did once…”
“It was so long ago”
“Mother, I don’t want to be selfish. But Juna’s time for me is so little. He has to fly toYogya at five. If you come here we won’t be able to…” Dina pretended she was shy to continue.
“Ok, I understand. I’ll go straight home then”
“I’m sorry Mother. Soon as Juna go, I’ll visit you, I promise”
“NO need to hurry”
Quite for a while
“Din, I’m glad he visits you”
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean, dear. I’ve always worried that he wouldn’t give you enough time. I can’t imagine how would you be if he desert you”
“Mother, what are you talking about? No body deserted me. Do you want to talk to Juna?”, her beats fast when she offered this. She was afraid the her mother would say yes, but no, she said,
“No thanks. Just tell him I said hello. Be good, ok?”
“Yes, mother”
***
Dina took a deep breath, relieved. She laid down on her bed. Then cuddled up holding her phone. Tears she’s been holding while having conversation with her mother, shed right at the time. Lying to cover her pain, is much more painful than the pain it self.
No, mother. Juna is not here. I’m just waiting for him to come. And I don’t want yo to see me like this. If it was not because my love to Juna, I would call all my willing to hold on, an insanity…
Her mother would never accept if her daughter is left. They’ve talked about this also, before. She almost said no, when Dina told her she wanted to marry Juna.
“Being the second wife is not easy. Moreover with his first wife not knowing about this”
“I know that, mother. But I won’t ask for too much. Juna will not give her wife less than before either. I don’t want to hurt other woman’s feeling. I’m ready for whatever I will have to face”
And her mother hugged her tight.
***
A knock on the front door woke her up from her thoughts about her mother. She hurry up wiped her tears. Juna should not se her crying. Few steps forward, Dina went back to the bath room. Tissue paper is not enough to wipe this. She washed her face, and walked to open the door.
And this was who stood in front of her . a young man with a flower bouquet for her.
“Miss Dina? Mister Arjuna sent you this”, He smiled as he was happy too, for a flower full of love for lovers.
“Thank you very much”, she brought the flowers in. she read the card between the flowers: ‘for my rainbow, with all love, Juna’
With all questions, doubt, disappointment and hopes mixed up in her heart, Dina put the bouquet into a big glass filled with water. Dina didn’t have any vase. This was the first time Juna sent flowers.
The phone rang, this time from Juna. Dina look at the clock before she picked it up. It’s 16.20. At five the plane that will take Juna meet her family in Yogya will board. Is Juna there on the way here? Or is he already standing in front of my door and called to play a joke?
“Halo”
“Halo, Dina, dear”, Juna sounds so weary.
“I‘ve been waiting, the meeting was so long”
“Yes. I’m also a little upset about that. It was so hard. I just finished, two hours much longer than I predicted. I thought I could see you before I go to the airport, but it’s almost half to five now. My plane will be boarding at five. I’m in the toll way right now. I’m sorry I didn’t make it. Oh, by the way.. I had a chance to order…. halo… Din?”
“Yeah.. yeah.. I can hear you, Jun. Your flower are here, thank you”
“Oh really? That fast? Do you like it?”
“I do. Beautiful. I was surprised. You never did this before, thank you very much”
She can here Juna sighed out there. Sound like he thought he just did a romantic thing.
“Thank God, I hope it can substitute my presence this time. I’m sorry. I’ll try my best to come some other time”
“Sure, have a nice trip…”
“I’ll call you later”
“yes, don’t forget”
“Din, I love you”
“I know, bye..”
And I love you too, Juna, I love you very much.
Dina hang up the phone. She closed her eyes tightly, hoping the tears wouldn’t flow. But it was no use. This is the real pain. Dina was so afraid that after this she really has to buy a vase, because Juna will often change his presences with flowers……
***
Dina looked at the mirror once again, to make sure there wasn’t any sign she just cried. She has prepared the happiest smile to show to her mother.
“Halo, Mother, Juna has left. I’m going your house now”
“Is Juna driving you?”
“No mother. We are going different ways. He would miss his plane if he has to drive me to you first. I’m taking a taxi”
“Ok, fine. I’m waiting”
“I’m going now. And oh, mother, Juna said ‘hi’ to you”
Saturday, September 20, 2008
"I'm getting married, Ton", I said
"In two months"
"Ah, it is still a long time to come"
Well, not to me, Ton. I'm so impatiently waiting.
"So, should I invite you or not?"
"Sure you should"
"And would you come?"
"Of course I will"
A little more conversation and I hang up the phone.
***
Toni was my ex boyfriend.
We had that relationship when we were in high school. One day we had to go to college and we went separate way, we enrolled different universities in different cities. I didn't want to break up. He was still the man I loved and wanted to get married with, that time.
But one day, for one reason, he said we could not go on. He said he was tired of long distance relationship. Well I would say he was tired of me. So we said goodbye.
I'm not a kind of girl who get my heart broken, break down and cry. My life went on. I had boy friends around me, and one day one has become my boy friend, taking Toni's place. He was the boy I was talking about, the one I was about to marry.
***
One day, on my birthday. A postman came to me and handed me a letter, from Toni.
He said (wrote): Happy birthday, dear. I just realized how empty life is without you.
I stood still. You realize some thing's worthy, when it's gone. Now that he's kicked me out, he said life is empty without me?
I had some one who loved me beside me? What he did he think I would do?
So I wrote him back, "I'm sorry, you are too late"
He said he understood, and he told me to hang on with the one I was with. But he still kept calling, and wrote me letters, and visited me.
"Can I at least have you as my sister?"
"That's fine to me"
Things went that way for years...
***
The day came, my wedding.
I kept my eye on the guests. I couldn't see Toni. But later when the event was over, and everybody was in the house, taking some rest after the tiring day, some body knocked the door.
I opened the door and found Hera, Toni's sister with a young man beside him.
"Hi, Hera. What a surprise! Come on in.." I let them come in and had seats.
After some blah blah, I finally asked Hera, the first question that crossed my mind when I opened the door for her.
"Toni, he's not coming?"
"No, he told me to say hi to you, and wish you a happy marriage"
"He asked for an invitation, and he said he would come"
"I know. But he told us, he didn't know you meant it. He thought you were kidding and he was kinda shocked to receive that. He was still hoping you both could be together again"
What do you expect me to say? Read more!
Friday, July 4, 2008
you were there, and so was i
so it was the end of the show. i was holding my glass beside the table and you were approaching to have one.
"wasn't it great?", you said,"the performance...."
"i'm always amazed with anyone who is able to play a piano" i replied
"is it the one, or the piano?"
"the sound"
"oh"
you drink a little and look away
i was waiting for some thing you might wanted to say
"i play piano" there you go
"o really?"
"i give a lesson actually"
"oh?"
"and the boys and the girls who just performed, are my students"
"oh, that's wonderful"
i always wanted to be able to play piano, but wouldn't it be too late for me to start?
...
...
there you are again, sitting in front of the grand piano in this hotel lounge. can't believe now it's me standing beside you holding the microphone and sing to you. yes, just you and me in this empty space. you play for me, and i sing for you.
a dream i never imagined i'd have, moreover to come true
a chance encounter that brought me to you Read more!
Friday, June 20, 2008
Sam's wife
and since english is not my mother language, I apologize for any mistakes I might make writing it.
We went to Bogor right after that. I wanted to say ‘no’ but I couldn’t. I didn’t know why Sam wanted me to go with him. In my evil imagination, Sam’s wife is a sick lady waiting for her death. This weekend is Sam’s last effort to make her happy. Sam brought me to be introduced to his wife, and to ask for her permission, or may be an opinion, about her substitute if she finally dead.
Crazy.
Even in a story, I wouldn’t write such a stupid thing.
“Why do I have to go?”
“Because I need you to”
“Sam, don’t you understand? You just broke my heart into pieces. I couldn’t say a word, I couldn’t even cry. And now you ask me to accompany you having weekend with your wife, and you don’t tell me why. You are crazy, Sam!”
I was so mad. My lunge was pressed so my voice didn’t come out right.
Sam just looked at me with those begging eyes. Oh those eyes. I could not refuse.
***
In Jagorawi tollway, instead of taking left turn to Bogor, Sam drove straight on.
“Why didn’t take the left turn?”
“What’s wrong with it?”
“You said we are going to Bogor”
“Bogor’s edge, maybe”
“Where are we going, Sam? Oh, Puncak?”
“No”
I slammed my body on the seat rest, “I don’t know why I trust you, Sam. May be you are taking me to a tea plantation area, rape me, and then murder me…”
“Cin!”, Sam yelled at me. I guess he was shocked with my words, I felt the car going crazy for seconds.
“Sorry, okay, I won’t say a word. I hope I will never regret this trip”
The rest of the trip was silence. I just looked outside the window. The view should be beautiful, should be. But I couldn’t feel the beauty. My heart was feeling too bad for that.
Sam didn’t say a word either. His eyes just kept on the road. Don’t know what was going on his mind. In weekend, these hours, traffic jam is a certainty. This trip felt much longer, and so was the torturement. I wanted to get out and went home, but I knew I couldn’t.
Suddenly I regret I decided to go.
Suddenly I regret I received Sam’s love.
Suddenly I regret for hoping too much.
Suddenly I regret my first met with Sam.
***
The sun has set when we entered the tea plantation area, few kilometers before Puncak. I smiled remembering what I worried about. A few kilometers on rock path and we arrived to an old style big Dutch house. Big. Tall. Boastful.
Sam helped me with my bag, which I filled just with few pieces of clothes. I wondered why Sam didn’t bring any.
I followed him to the house. A man and a woman were awaiting in front of the door. I guess they were the villa keeper. The man took the bag in Sam’s hand. The woman brought me to my room, “Come on, Neng(*)”
I looked at Sam, asking for his opinion.
“Take a rest, she will show you your room”
I did what he said. Sam left us. My room was so clean and white. The only color came out from the roses in the vase on the table.
“Thank you. May I know your name?”
“Just call me Lilis”
“Thank you, Lis”
“You are welcome, Neng”
Lilis walked to the door, leaving me.
“Lis…”
She turned around.
“Do you know Sam?”
“No I don’t. We just take care of the villa and the guess. Mr. Sam rent this for this week end. They said some people will come. I and my husband have prepared the rooms and everything.”
“Will there be a lot of people to come? Do you know them?”
“Sorry, Neng, I don’t”
“It’s okay, thank you”
“I’ll be behind, if you need me”
I nod, Lilis left.
***
I just finished my bathe. Sam hasn’t called me, and I was feeling lazy to call him first. I was waiting for him to call me and introduce me to his wife, or do anything he planned. I haven’t met anyone except Lilis and his husband.
Knock Knock.
I opened the door and Lilis came up with a box.
“Mr. Sam asked Miss Cin to wear this dress”, she gave me the box.
In doubt, but I took it and brought it to bed.
“You know my name?”
“Mr. Sam told me”
A kebaya and a long batik skirt.
“When do I have to wear this, he said? This looks like a wedding dress”
Lilis didn’t answer my question, she just left. It was Sam got in my room.
“It is. I’ve asked your sister to help me to get it. I hope you like it. I mean, a bride usually choose her own wedding dress.”
I looked at Sam, with questions.
Sam sat by me, grasped my hand.
“Cin. You told me once that you would marry me. You even said, you could marry me right that time when I asked you to”
“I did, so much. But that was before I knew you are married”
“What made you think I am married?”
Oh God. I wanted to hit a hammer on this man’s head. Wasn’t it him who told me he was going to have a week end vacation with his wife? I pulled my hand off his.
“Don’t play with me, Sam. Now just tell me what you want. Where is your wife? Why are you taking me here?”
“I never played with you. And I want to marry you. And my wife soon will be here if you say you do. And I brought you here to make you my wife”
“Your second wife? Third? And after we get married, your first wife will come and see me? For what? To say bad words on me? Or may be asking for my help to serve you?”
Sam sighed long and deeply, as he was doing it for me, who has lost control.
“Will you please listen to me, and promise not to cut before I finish?”
I nod.
“Right this time. You father, your mother, your sister, and your younger brother are here. They’ve been waiting since this morning. And so are my mother and my two brothers. I’ve talked to them. It was hard at the beginning. You brother even told me I was crazy. But I’m glad they finally understood”
Sam stopped, but I knew he wasn’t finish yet.
“This time, is just for our family. If you want a party for friends and families, we will do it later. Cin I want you to marry me, now. That’s why I told you, my wife would be here if you would. Because if you wouldn’t, I will get out of this house, remaining as a single man. So will you?”
I closed my face with two hands. All feelings mixed in my heart. I didn’t even know what to feel. My body was trembling I was so happy. But at the same time I felt so ashamed for the suspicious thought of Sam.
Sam took may hands of my face, and held them both.
“I’m done. Now you can answer me, you have to”
“Oh, Sam I would. Of course I would. You… you are crazy, I hate you!”
I hugged Sam tight, didn’t want to let him go.
*)Neng: Miss, in Sundanese. Read more!
Friday, June 6, 2008
look at me
and I touch your cheek softly, turn your head so you face me.
i’m afraid of the magic in you
i’m not a witch
oh the look in your eyes. it’s so deep get into my hart through mine. i can’t stand, now i’m the one to look away.
i’m looking at you now
i know but i look afar, and play your long sleeve edge with my fingers. i can feel you looking at me, and my fingers, and me, and away… so i found the courage to look at you again, who is looking away.
oh love, has brought us to this silly situation we’re in
oh love, has turned us into two fools having empty conversation
oh love, has melted our hart
like a bar of chocolate you gave, that’s melted in the warmth of our holding hands. Read more!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
you opened the door and let me in....
“Coffee?”, you asked.
I shook my head, “I don’t drink coffee”
“Milk?, I still have some. Cold or warm?”
“Cold, will be nice. Ultra, or Indo?”
“Indo, choc”
“That would be nice, thank you”
So you poured some in a glass and handed it to me. For a while I just held it, and looked at the glass, and stayed in silence. You pulled a chair and sat in front of me.
“Don’t like it?”
“Oh, I do”, and started drinking it, until the last drop.
And again I held the glass and looked at it. And we both were speechless for a while.
“I’m glad you are here”, you tried to break the silence.
”Me too, you don’t have any idea how much”
You took the glass and walked to the kitchen, and I followed you. There in front of the fridge I stood while you put my glass in the washbasin, I should have done it by myself. I didn’t want to be a guess here, I really didn’t want to.
“Show me how you cook”, I said.
“What do you want me to cook?”
“Anything, I’m not a cookie. You are. Prove to me what you said”
You approached the fridge and a I stepped a little aside. Still I can feel your elbow touched mine and my hart beat fast and strong.
You opened the fridge door and looked in and grabbed some stuffs.
“Seemed there’s noting left here. I only have potatoes. You know what I can make of these?”
“Baked potatoes with cheese and chili?”
You raised your shoulder, “What else. Too bad, I am even out of broccoli. Not something good for a dinner”
“Don’t worry, anything will do”
Then I helped you wrapped the potatoes with the foil. Oh my God, felt my hart is filled by drum basses and like to jump out. I tried not to look in your eyes coz I know I wouldn’t be able to control my self. Both of us just keep busy with the potatoes and knife and foil and microwave. Even until the potatoes are in the micro, we just stood there side by side not talking. You and I looked at the microwave waiting for the beep. but it’s not the potatoes inside my head. I didn’t know what was in yours.
beep beep beep beep
You raised your hand, I thought to open the microwave and take out the potatoes. But I was wrong. You took my hand and I looked at you with questions in my head as you looked into mine and answered my question with a lingual question.
“Will you stay for a night?”
***
For a second or two I was frozen, what did you expect me to say? But I immediately pulled my hand. The next second I made myself busy opening the racks, trying to find some plates. Yes, it would be much easier for me if I asked you where they are. My trembling harts and shaking hand made it even much harder. But I let you leaned your hand on the table with your face down. It was better that way.
There you are, so I carefully took out the potatoes.
“Could you please open the foil? It’s so hot”, I asked you almost unheard as I was still trembling.
Without words you brought the plates to the table and opened the foil.
“I’ll make the chili. I should’ve done it while baking the potatoes. I don’t know what I was thinking”, you left me alone in the table, busy with your chili that you brought back to the table few minutes after.
“Try it”, you handed the red sauced spoon to me.
“Seemed so hot”
But not really, actually.
“I’m sorry”, you started the conversation as put a slice of the potatoes in to your mouth.
“What for?”
“What just happened”
“You don’t have to”
“I really didn’t know what across my head”
“I understand”
And we continued eating not talking. Oh my God, this is so agonizing. I didn’t come here to get in this situation. I’ve prepared myself for the warmest conversation that will ever happen. I prepared jokes and laughter. And they all just disappeared when we finally stood face to face.
The thunder inside my hart was too strong for me to damp. I was broken.
My plate is empty without me knowing where the potatoes gone. I couldn’t taste it but still I said, “Delicious”.
“Any one could make this and they’ll taste the same. Doesn’t need experts to make it”
Oh it was so not you. You always talked about details. How to wrap, how long in the microwave, things such like that... Ah, I really couldn’t figure out what was in your mind, what were you thinking of. I felt how both of us were lost in long yearnings... Exploding and waiting for a release, but we know we couldn’t. Because we promised not to go there. I asked us to and you said yes. I thought it was no big deal, but I guess I was wrong.
Suddenly I feel regret for being here. I couldn’t bear the overflowing happiness. I’m drowning in... I’m drowning in...
“Rin...”, you broke my thoughts
“Uhm, yes, Tom?”
“Are you okay?”
“I am, I guess”
“You are not here”
“What do you mean? I am here, my body and mind”, I was not lying.
“But honestly”, I continued, “I wish I was in some other time and place”
“Why?”
“I’m afraid I can’t make our promise”
“I almost screw it up, I’m sorry”, you look down and silent again. Silent again.
Silent again.
I stood up and brought our plate to the wash basin. Washed them, dried them, and put them back in the rack. I took a bottle of water and two empty glasses and brought them to the table. I filled the glass for me, and for you.
“Are you sorry to be here?”, oh boy, you read my mind.
“What made you think so? I’m glad to be here. See you. Watch you cooking. Talk to you...”
“Bull shit. Neither of us can enjoy this. Rin.. this is so... uncomfortable for me”
“You’re right, Tom. It’s torturing me”
Slowly you took my hand. This time I let you did. Also when you slightly kissed it, because I know soon you’d let it go.
“I still love you, Rin”
I looked at my glass, tap my fingers on it.
”What do you want me to say?”
“You don’t have to say a thing. I already knew”
“You just think you do”
“I know, we both do. And we both know it is not allowed”
My glass was empty.
“Well, dinner’s done. What’s next?”
“Leave me alone”
I lost words. Closed my eyes. My hart was so irritated. This was really not what I hoped for when I went here. This pain. The relentless pain caused by unreachable happiness and dreams. I never thought it would be so hard for us to face it. Even you, who always seemed strong and controlled, broken with the reality. You were right, Tom. I shouldn’t have come here.
I stood up, looked at you that still didn’t look at me. Looking at your untouched glass. I approached the door, wishing you would say something. But you remain that way. Even when I opened the door and about to step outside, you remain that way.
I wished once again you ask me to stay. Cause if you did, I tell my self I would. Say it, Tom. Ask me to stay... But you keep your face down and don’t say a word. I waited. And you still said no words.
So I got out of your apartment and shut the door. I couldn’t go right away. I was feeling too weak. My hart was broken into pieces. I rest my back on you door, let my tears overflowed my face. I really hoped you would come out, reach me and enfold me in your embrace.
But at the same time I could imagine how you felt the same. Suffered the same pain. And neither of us could bear it. How stupid I was, thinking that a meeting would solve the problems.
So I walked away from you, and I told my hart to stay away from yours. No matter how hard, no matter how long it would take. It was really no use keeping any single piece of the memory, it would just bring the other ones back. That would destroy us for not being able to have them completely. I wanted to blame my parents for pushing me to marry the one they chose, but I couldn’t. I wanted to blame my self for letting them do, but I couldn’t. I wanted to blame you for not taking me run away that day, but I couldn’t.
Foggy night, and so was my hart. I left. You can be sure, I promise, I won’t be back.
Semarang, 26 May 2008 Read more!