Saturday, July 10, 2010

The Play

Niar sat in front of Andre, at the same cafe, at the same table where they were going out for the first time five-six months ago. Andre asked her to meet here this afternoon after work.
Andre's face looked strained, or possibly nervous. Niar was no less anxious to see her lover.

"Ni, I want to apologize," Andre started to get into the real conversation.
"For what?"
"All I have said and done"
"What are you talking about Ndre, don't act weird ..."
Andre drank his juice once, "I ... could no longer continue our relationship. "
After saying that Andre looked afar out the window, not daring to look at Niar.
Niar looked at Andre incredulously, "Ndre ... did I hear youwrong ? "
Andre shook his head.
"What have I done?"
"You have done nothing."
"Then why ..."
"I was wrong. All this time. "
"What do you mean?"
Andre drank the juice again, as this conversation has dried his throat.
"Once again, before, I apologize. Because I've actually never really fell in love with you. "
"What? Then why .. "
"I ... I just wanted to know, what it's like going out with another man's wife. "
Andre would shatter his own head to reveal this. He knew Niar would be hit. But he thought better this way than letting things more excessive.
"Ndre ... how could you ... "
"Yeah, I could. I'm evil. I'm cruel. Say what you want. But I can not pretend any longer. I don't want you to feel deeper. My responsibility on how you feel will be bigger then. So ... let's cut this out, now. "
"You ..."
"Sorry. Sorry ... "
Niar's eyes began to glaze. She seemed to want to say something but stuck in the throat.
"I want to thank you for all your affection for me all this time," said Andre, "but ... I guess ... I have to finish my play. I'm sorry. I want you to know that as long as I have been with you ... "
Niar stood and spoiled her tea into Andre's face, "Enough, I don't want to hear ..." Then went away.
Andre rubbed his face. Bend the table.


Niar parked his car in the garage. Her husband's car was not there, so he's not home yet. Raihan greet her once she got out of the car. She embraced her only child, and held out the cake she bought earlier.
Niar couldn't bear to go to her room soon. Raihan followed her around but she softly shoo him away, she wanted to be alone.
"Just a moment, dear. Mama want to change first. Later after that we'll play, ya. Why don't you open the cake while waiting? "
Raihan left.
Niar entered the room and locked the door. Dropped her bag on the floor just like that. Collapsed onto the mattress, take a pillow to cover her head and then laughed loudly.
She's been thinking a way to speak to Andre, to end their love affair. Niar felt Andre loved her more each day, and that would be dangerous. She never thought Andre himself will come with the problem solving, without Niar should feel guilty.
Okay, it's done. Niar hoped Andre will never know, that Niar also just wanted to know, what it's like dating a boy who was 15 years younger than her ... Read more!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

the fire works tonight

Once again I looked at the tiny thing.
"Tomorrow I'm going to pick it up here, ya. Please keep it for me. If I don’t come at seven, and any one wants it, give it. Maybe I don’t deserve it, "I told the shop keeper. He smiled, nodded.

The tiny objects, which I ordered it to pay tomorrow, I would give to Mur, my beloved. Ah ... I dunno. We never pledged our selves as lovers. We just grew up together since childhood. Exactly, I have been keeping Mur since she was born.

I was seven years old when Mur was born. In my house. Not intentionally. Lik Har, Mur's mother, that time, knocked on my door. Early in the dawn. I opened the door, just walked home from Shubuh prayer at the mosque. Lik Har grimaced bit his lip, her left hand holding the wall, and her right hand was clutching her big tummy.

"Lik? Lik Har, what’s wrong with you stomach Lik? "I asked, panicked, then shouted for Mom and Dad.

Mother from the kitchen, father from the room, rushing forward to find Lik Har who suddenly not strong enough to stand. Together they carried Lik Har to couch in the living room. I was still paused at the door, not knowing what to do.

"I ... ah ... like it's time Yu ... Mas Yoto... ah ... is working tonight .. " Lik Har moaning, I got to go hiss. It seems incredible pain.

"Call Yoto’s office, Mas ... or should we just call the midwife? Or directly bring Har to the hospital? "She looked panicked as well.

Lik Yoto, Lik Har’s husband, is a warehouse security guard at a furniture factory. Actually, of course there are phones there. But Lik Har does not have a phone at home. That's why she came to our house to get help for it. That was not a cell phone season. And in the crowded villages where we live, the nearest house that had a phone is our home.

Dad told me to spread the mat and took the pillow. Lik Har laid there. Mother called the midwife. Then call Lik Yoto. But before one of them arrived, Mur was born. And I ... ah, Dad and Mom might be too panicked and I forgot I was there. Yes, I saw how Mur came to this world. I saw the struggling of the baby and mother. Amazing little creature that looks so fragile ...

Since that time, grew in me a desire to protect her. Every day before and after school, I see baby Mur. I accompanied her playing since she was still crawling. Walk. Run. Cycling. Flying kites.

When she started school, I help her studying. If there is a naughty school friend, to me she asked for help. People around us seemed to understand our closeness, and never question anything. The kids my age peers never made fun of us 'going out', as they usually do to boys and girls who hang out too close. They know the story about me helping Mur’s birth ...

I never thought about, how they see me and Mur. I myself never even thought about how the definition of my relationship with Mur.

The time will soon come.


Eight years ago, when I started college in another city, Mur entered junior high. I came home every other week, sometimes once a month. Seeing Mur at such intervals, presents a surprise to me every time. Mur suddenly has become a girl. Whether the return of the number, I realized she was no longer a kid who always looked after. Blame me, my caress has been contaminated with love.

I never express it. And I do not see the need. I know, fate had written Mur to be mine.

I remember, the year I asked for permission to Lik Har and Lik Yoto to take Mur to see fireworks in new year’s eve. Mur was too happy she danced when they said yes. She hug me, jumping up and down. From the front, from the side, from behind.

"Hush, Mur. What a bad behavior. You are a big girl, not a child, "scolded his mother.

Since then, every year, I go with Mur to see the fireworks. From year to year, every year, I was amazed at the look in her eyes. It never changed. Like my happiness that never stop, seeing every happiness in her eyes.

Even when finally I worked in Jakarta, I still get home at least every three months. Included at the end of the year. I could not resist too long to miss my Mur. Yes yes yes ... now the phone is no longer such a rare commodity like at her birth. I could feel the joy in every vibrating voice I heard. But nothing can replace seeing his eyes light up whenever she feels happiness.

This year will be the fourth year of my staying in Jakarta. Mur had graduated high school, and work in a shop in downtown. I suggest her to go to college, but she said, she did not want to burden her parents. Only his father works. And still had two more brothers that still must be financed.

It doesn’t matter for me. I do not mind having a wife graduated from high school level, as long as she's as special as Mur. Maybe later, I will ask Mur to just stay home. I will be the one to make a living.

Ah ... my imagination. Yes. This year, I would propose her. I have not said anything to her, yet also to Lik Har or Lik Yoto. I wanted to make a surprise for Mur in the fireworks-night this year. Mur first, then afterward I would formally propose to her parents.

Last week I called Mur, telling about my plan to go home.

"God willing I can go home this end of the year, Mur. We will watch fireworks again. And… I have a surprise for you "

"What is it? A gift? Wa .... this should be good, you are now a big company employee. You must also have large salary. What is it Mas? What what what? "

"Halah, it wouldn’t be a surprise if I say it now. But I hope you'll like it. Be patience, okay? "

"I know I would like it. You always knew the things that I like "

I just laughed.

"I also have a surprise for you"

"Oh really? What?"

"No surprise if I tell you now."

Of course.


I arrived just a day before the end of the year. Along the way I tried to guess what the surprise Mur will give me.

Is she going to dress up as pretty as possible to go out with me? Or she also bought a small gift for me, with her salary as a clerk? Or she'll kiss me? I was ashamed imagining it, and unconsciously rubbed my cheek.

The afternoon of December 31, after maghrib. I feel less and less better. Excitement waiting to see Mur, and prepare the simple words but nice to make her bloom. Slowly I approached the house fence.

"Assalamu'alaykum" I said.

"Wa'alaikum salam," Mur was sitting in the living room, then stood up to me. A young man, probably my age, still in his seat, turned and smiled at me.
Without hesitation Mur held my hand, took me inside.

"Mas, this is a surprise that I told yesterday "

I do not want to accept the allegations that had suddenly flashed in my mind. No. Hopefully not. I will not be able to...

"This is Mas Fath. My boyfriend, "Murray smiled looked embarrassed for a while," my supervisor at office... " she continued in a whisper in my ear.

I shook his hand firmly, smile as hard as most happy, for Mur.

"Do you bring the surprise for me?" Said Mur spoiled.

I nodded. Mur clapped a little, smiling widely.


Mur forced me to go along with her and Fath. Oh ... dear, how can I? I have given that tiny five grams necklace I bought. I said I'll watch the fireworks with Gun, my high school friend.

But I went alone to the Marina beach. Without Mur. Without her bright eyes of amazement. I was alone. Watching the explosions of fireworks in the sky. That blew my dreams. Blew my love. Blew me.

* as in Cempaka Minggu Ini *

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Friday, October 23, 2009


note: Genderuwo is one of Javanese male ghost. It is believe to appear as a black big hairy stinky image. They like to have sex with human by showing up as a man. And (some people believe) the women could have baby from the activity.

The sun has just greeted Dhuha. Net walked half running passing through Mbah Mis’s house.
"Net! Why do you hurry so? Where are you from?" said Mbah Mis half shouted from the veranda of his house.
Net stopped, turned her head to the right, left, to the rear. Silence for a moment, then decided to stop by. She sat beside the Mbah Mis.
"From Lik Tuk’s house, Mbah.”
"Why so hurry?"
"Ah, nothing. I want soon get to home. Take a shower, then back to Lik Tuk again." She paused and then continued, "E ... I ... just bathed Rim’s baby’s dead body, Mbah."
"Inna lillah! Babies? What baby? When was the birth then suddenly it is dead? When did Rim pregnant? "Mbah Mis strafed Net with questions that suddenly strafed her own head.
"I do not know Mbah." Hissing, Net seek forgiveness several times and then continued, "The baby was a boy, Mbah. E ... and ... ah .... His whole body was hairy. Thick."
Mbah Mis-Mouth wide open with the palm of his right hand. She shuddered. Her eyes stared at Net unblinking. Full of questions but not clear what the questions were.
Net stood, "I go home, Mbah. If Mbah want to go there, I'll stop by here on my way there."

About eight-nine months ago, Rim was gone for three days. The whole hamlet joined the search in the forests. Some people suggested Tuk to ask a help from a paranormal, but Tuk refused. He also did not want to report this to the police. He said, if Rim could not be found in a week, he will do both at once: for help from paranormal and the police.
Third day seeking Rim, in the afternoon before evening prayer, everyone had just left. Tuk also just entered the house after thanked for their assistance. Tuk suddenly got out again and shouted, "Rim's home! Rim's home!"
Every one turned back to Tuk’s home right away. Noise, of course. Tuk put his finger on his lips, asking for everybody to be quiet.
"Excuse me, but please be quiet. I do not want to interfere Rim, she seemed a little dazed," he said.
"She’s back? Where is she now?" asked Mr. Bayan.
"Inside, sir. At room. I had back, went straight to take bath. I saw Rim entered from the back door. Still wearing the clothes she wears four days ago. Her body was clean, hair neat, too. I was wrong, I guess. I immediately asked her where she’s been, with who, why. She cried. So I think I should let her take some rest in the room first, let her calm. I'll be ask her slowly."
"Can I see her? Only me, let the others stay here," said Mr. Bayan.
Tuk paused before finally saying, "Okay, Mr. Bayan. We apologize, others. I do not want to make Rim more nervous."
Mr. Bayan was only allowed to take a peek through door aperture, to see that Rim has really gone home. Without the voice of Mr. Bayan got closer and peered inside. In the dim light Rim was sitting in bed hugging her knees. As Tuk said, her hair neatly tied. Tears were overflowing her face.
They went out again. From mosque adzan was shouting calling for everyone to come and pray, but people were still waiting. Apparently could not help but wonder what has happened.
"Yeah, I saw him. I think we’d better go home now. Let Rim feel better. Later Lik Tuk will ask for explanations slowly," explained Mr. Bayan.
"Yeah right. I apologize for troublesome for days. Thank you very much. I am also confused what has happened. Later, if Rim speaks, God willing, I'll tell all, what has happened with her. Forgiveme, forgive the inconveniences. Thank you, thank you very much everyone, "Tuk bent his bow-in-the asserted saying his apology and thanks.
The next day the news spread. During the three days lost, Rim could see all the people who seeked her. She wanted to call and tell that she was fine, but no one was looking at her or hear her voice. Rim said, according to Tuk, she was taken by a dashing handsome man, to a magnificent and beautiful palace...
Rim is Tuk’s only daughter. The only one Tuk lived with, since his wife died of dengue fever three years ago. They live in the southern edge of the village. Most edge, at the foot of the hill, close to the forest.
Rim is 16. She just graduated elementary school two years ago. Everyone knew Rim was not smart kid and had a couple of times stayed at the same grade. Even according to the news circulated, she was let be graduated because the teacher could not wait to teach her any longer.
In the last two years, Rim became very quiet and closed. Rarely out of the house. At first her girl friends still came visit her. But Rim really lost joy and cheerfulness, so they felt uncomfortable. No one dared to ask Tuk or Rim what has happened.
TUk once told about the changes in Rim, to his nearest neighbor, Dhe To. Tuk said, Rim changed to be like that since her love was rejected by Kus, son of Mr. Lurah who is currently studying in college in Solo.
Since the incident where she was gone for three days, nobody ever sees Rim got out the house.
Net and Jan sat in front of Mbah Mis’s house. Mbah Mis down the floor, leaning against the pole. They had just returned home from Tuk’s house. A lot to talk about. But they were too afraid.
"What are you thinking Mbah?" Jan started the conversation.
"Thinking of what? I did not dare to think of anything. If I say it but it was wrong, that would be a mistake I make."
"Oh, Mbah. This is between us. Just a little sharing between the hearts…"
Net said, "Frankly I was a little shudder when thinking about this. This morning when I bathed the baby, my body was shaking. Never once before. I also dare not to comment. Rim also said nothing and coul not be questioned. I just asked to Lik Tuk when the birth, and the death was."
"What did Tuk say?" asked Mbah Mis.
"Yes, like everyone discussed. Some time before maghrib Lik Tuk heard someone knocking on the door of his house. But when he opened it there was noone. He also heard a few people who are rushing noise like doing something, but it is not clear from which direction the sound was. He even had surrounded the house many times. When the voices were gone, Rim came out of the room with the baby, dead ... "
"So, all this time Rim was in pregnancy? We do not know it, because she never left the house. Today, is about nine months since the incident she she was gone for three days. Is it?" asked Mbah Mis.
"Mbah, can people have a child from ghosts?" asked Jan.
"Hush! Astaghfirullah. Naudzubillah naudzubillah naudzubillah! Be careful what you say Jan. Only Allah knows best. I do not know."
"What do you mean Mbah? So why did you bring us to calculate the time between the incident by now? Yeah sure it was the first thing going through my head, Mbah!"
"Sh ... Stop it. I do not want to talk about this. You go home now. Not good gossiping about death."
Jan and Net up, left Mbah Mis.
Day seven Eidil Fitri, six months since the death of Rim’s. Nok planned to go back to Jakarta the next day. That afternoon he took time to stop by Tuk’s house, almost forgotten to visit.
Nok invited to enter. Nok greeted Tuk, saying 'sorry physically and spiritually' and then sat on the bench.
"Sorry Nok. I have nothing to serve. I do not have time to find treats for Eidil Fitri. Ah, I still feel worry about Rim"
"Rim? Oh, I do not see Rim. Where is she?"
Tuk suddenly muffled sob.
"I do not know what we have done wrong Nok, why something like this happen again to Rim."
"Rim is gone again, Nok, don’t you know?"
"No Lik. When? Why did not anyone help to seek? I remembered, she once was gone, but then went home herself. How did it happen this time? Why didn’t anyone tell about this?"
Tuk wiped his tears, "Today is exactly forty days, Nok"
Nok stupendous surprise, "Forty days? That means it happened before the fasting month?"
Tuk nodded, "I'm just waiting for her to come home Nok. Once she was gone for three days. It’s been forty days now. I do not know how long, but I'm sure she'll come home. "
"Oh God what are you thinking Lik? Are you not worried what might happen with Rim? She's a girl!"
"I understand your concern, Nok. But I'm sure you do not understand how I feel. I'm not asking you to. Let me go through all this."
Nok did not believe it. But Tuk was right, he also could not understand how Lik Tuk feels. So he chose to leave, "I hope Rim will be home soon. I will have to go back to Jakarta to run my business tomorrow. Wish me luck, Lik"
"Yes Nok. Thank you. We’ll pray for each other…"
Tuk walked Nok to the fence, and got inside and shut the door. The tears began to flow again when he entered Rim’s room. Sobbing he sat on Rim’s bed.
When he realized Rim pregnant last year, he easily made the story 'Rim was missing taken by genderuwo'. These villagers are still strongly believe the things superstitious and mystical. He told Rim to stay hiding in the house. People believed that Rim was missing and spread into the forest looking for her, no one search the house. Actually he wanted Rim to get 'gone' much longer. But after three days, Rim could not stand it and threatened to scream. Tuk was forced to accept the offer to let Rim 'home'. At least he had succeeded in making people think that the baby Rim born was son of Genderuwo. Better that way.
This time actually Tuk to wamted it that way again. But Rim could no longer deal with the bargain. She did not want to pretend to be lost. She refused to hide herself at home. She threatened to show herself and let people know she was pregnant. She'd tell people who was the father of the baby inside, which was also the father of the dead baby six months ago. The father who covered the baby’s nose and mouth until it was dead. Rim really did not care disgrace. The threat that Tuk would kill her did not work anymore. Even when Tuk brandished his scythe in front of her, she offered her neck.
"Kill me. Kill me Dad! I would rather die than live like this!"
Tuk went crazy. Although the distance to the nearest neighbors house no less than six hundred yards, he worried Rim would scream louder. So swing the scythe.
For a long time, indefinitely, he will not approach the bushes at the south corner of his field, where he has buried Rim. He will memorize Rim off here, in her room ...

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Sunday, July 19, 2009

the plan

aL and I face to face. a low round table with a tiny glass of oil between us. wicked on a thread, floating on a three clover shaped cork. why didn’t they make it four?

aL blew her smoke on me, I coughed, she laughed.

"I remember that exhibist near my campus" she said.


"he liked it when his victim scream or scared. but some one has shrunk him and made him gone forever

"oh ya? who? how? "

"I did. I stared at what he showed me. I told him, his penis was ugly, small, and it didn’t attract me at all. the thing shrank. he was ashamed and gone "

aL roared. I was dumbfounded.

"that's what we should do to those crazy people who bombed those hotels," she said again.

"do what...?"

"shrink them"


"show them that the action was stupid and useless," aL put her smoke down to the ashtray.

I just wait. aL has begun to bend her body to me, ready to spoil more advanced sentence.

"I am resentful that SBY was afraid to come to the location right then. with the reason that the location has not been sterilized. even showed us an evidence that he was once a sniper target. "

"that’s normal, right?"

"no it’s not! it is normal that he was a target. come on, he is #1 person in this country. but if he is afraid to be shot, don't show up everywhere. no need to visit here and there, nor open the car window, nor wave his hand to the people awaiting for him along the road. just dwell in the palace. or ride an anti-bomb car.. "

"I think he was just being aware. in normal situations he can move freely. but in this case ... "

"in the situation like now, it IS stupid to shoot the president in the bomb location. too many police. what seem normal and safe is some times actually dangerous "

tension in aL's face started flagging. again she relied. her legs raised, be embraced. eyes closed. and began to speak again, as in the delirious mumble.

"who can convince the world that Indonesia is safe, if not us, the Indonesian? president SBY has been so silly. pretending that he was worried that Manchester United would cancel their visit. but he him self could not ensure that Indonesia is safe. even scared the world by himself did not dare to come to the location of the incident. no wonder if MU finally decided not to come "

" people died aL ... beside, may be our government couldn’t give them security guarantees"

aL revived.

"so what? every one could die anytime, any where. you can not avoid death. if SBY did not come to the location, is there any guarantee that he would be safe anyway? at least don’t make it look worse. that’s the plan. that’s what the terrorists wanted, to scare us. don’t you get it ....?" aL seemed so annoyed.

"are you annoyed because MU canceled their visit?"

"I don’t really care about MU. I am annoyed because SBY has made the terrorist thought they succeeded scaring people"

aL slammed her body again. another brake again. shut up. I thought aL was right.

the news flash in the TV was still about what we were talking about. this time it was an interview with one hotel visitor from South Korea, a designer who was in a visit to Indonesia for a fashion show of his latest designs. he said he was okay and didn’t feel any trauma. shortly after the incident he was still running his mission, to prepare all he has planned. he also planned to come again for his next show, next month.

still in eyes closed, aL pointed right to the TV.

"that’s how it should be. don’t give the suicide bomb a damn. never let the terrorists managed to drop our mental. we should drop theirs. their bomb may blow us, but never let them proud for succeeding frightening us. SBY should be ashamed with that Korean designer "

aL asleep, really asleep. snoring. damn.


for this week's sundayscribblings prompt: the plan

my deepest sympathy to all victims at JW Marriot and Ritz Carlton, Jakarta. and go to hell who ever has blown your selves together with the bomb...

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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Mau ngga jadi selingkuhanku?

Enak ngga jadi selingkuhanmu?
"Banget," katamu.
Ya, boleh deh. Rasanya seperti anak SMA nembak jadi pacar. Kalau sudah bilang 'ya' terus apa? Apa enaknya selingkuh? Orang selingkuh itu ngapain?
"Mana ku tahu? Aku belum pernah," jawabmu.
Oh, jadi aku bahan percobaan? Aku juga bingung mesti ngapain kalo udah proklamasi 'kita selingkuh'. Kamu panggil aku 'sayang'. Huahahahaha... geli di kuping, dan malah aku bikin tertawa.
"Sudah makan, sayang?"
Eh, memang apa pedulimu aku sudah makan atau belum? Mau nraktir?


"Kamu ke sini dong..."
Kenapa ngga kamu aja yang ke sini?
Mau apa memangnya? Biasanya tanpamu dunia baik-baik saja. Aku ga peduli kamu sudah makan atau belum. Aku tidak peduli kamu sibuk atau tidak. Aku tidak peduli kamu kerjakan apa. Juga sebaliknya.
Kenapa tiba-tiba kita harus saling tahu kita sedang apa? Kenapa tiba-tiba pilekku jadi membuatmu khawatir?


"Besok aku ke Semarang. Kita ketemu ya?"
Di mana? Jam Berapa? Nah, sekarang aku jadi harus cari alasan supaya bisa pergi sendirian, dan ketemu kamu tanpa ketahuan. Kalau ke tempat yang kau sebut itu, aku takut nanti ketemu anakku di jalan.
"Kita ke Bandungan aja, atau ke Kopeng"
Mau apa ke sana? Kenapa aku bertanya? Mestinya aku bisa menduga apa yang bakalan dilakukan orang yang selingkuh ke sana. Apa kita juga akan melakukannya?
"Kita jalan-jalan saja."
Lalu apa?


Sudahlah. Kita putus aja. Selingkuh itu membingungkan buatku. Ribetnya clintat clintut. Pertaruhannya tidak sebanding. Kalo kamu ke Semarang, boleh kita ketemuan. Ajak suamimu, biar kuajak juga anak dan istriku.
Jangan lagi panggil aku 'sayang'. Kau masih boleh telpon, sms, email, chat. Anything. Tapi balikkan bahasamu ke masa kita belum mencoba-coba cari perkara. Begitu lebih nyaman. Dan aman. Read more!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

“Jay please listen, this is important!”

He stopped walking and turned around. Finally. For the last couple days I have been trying to tell him about this. But he always said, ‘can we talk about it later?’ or ‘I’m very tired’ or ‘I still have a lot of things to do’ or thousands other reasons.

“This better be really important, ‘cause I have an important meeting at eight”, he said.

“Can we sit down for a while? I…”

“Just say it”

“I’d rather telling you this while we sit and..”

“Just say it”

I have made him stop to listen to me. Do I need to push him to sit down, but then he would walk away instead of listening to what I am about to say?

I took one deep breathe, “I am pregnant”

I knew I wouldn’t find a smiling happy face. But still I was disappointed when I didn’t see it. He opened his mouth, not saying a word. But his eyes asked questions, “What? Are you kidding? Are you crazy? Do you realize what you are talking about?”

I didn’t need to hear anything. He opened the door, got out, and slammed it, left me standing facing it.



Years ago it would have been a good reason. It would make a guy you were crazy about and dying loving, but didn’t love you that much, willing to marry you. You wouldn’t care about what happen next. You could see a divorce right after a baby born. But you always thought you could still hope it wouldn’t happen.

A pregnant would make your parents let a guy you were crazy about and dying loving, and loved you the same 0r more; but they didn’t like, to marry you. You would hope a baby would defrost the ice between you and your parents, and more babies would make them finally see you and your guy were meant to be.

I made myself believe I could use the same reason to make Jay stay. Marriage has been so plain in the last year – if you are too afraid to call it bitter. This house, and me, were no longer home to Jay. I meant, he still came here to go home, and nowhere else. But conversations didn’t go further than ‘where’s my shirt’ or ‘good night’ or ‘I won’t be home for dinner’ or ‘I have to go’.

I couldn’t see what was wrong with us. Things were so good in our first years. He didn’t want children until he reached manager level. Now he has, but still he told me to wait a ‘little more time until we have our life settled’. We never talked about how ‘settled’ was to him or to me. I could take whatever life we had but he still had plans.

I still tried to think positive, until few months ago when we both were ready for bed. I laid my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. Listened to his heart beat as I always liked to do.

Dee, do you still love me?”

I raised my head and looked at him, “What did you just ask me? Off course I still do”

“I’m sorry. Just asking”

He took his arms off me and turned around, and slept. Or, pretended to.


It was date 17 last month. We were having a candle light dinner I have arranged two weeks before. A 5th marriage anniversary should be romantic. I did my best cooking and dressing. Jay, as I asked, got home earlier from work.

He sat across the table. I took his hand and waited for flowers and glittery hearts falling around us. But the love song I played from the CD sounds like a choir of a group of cows. Air freshener lost its power. And I felt so dummy.

“This won’t work, Dee. I’m sorry”, Jay said, and pulled his hand off.

I did my best not to cry. But I couldn’t help my self not to ask why.

“Why, Jay? What has gone wrong? What did I do?”

He shook his head and sighed.

“I don’t know Dee. I can’t tell what is wrong. Or what you did. Nothing’s wrong, and you did nothing. But I just felt this is no longer right. I can no longer feel the comfort staying beside you. I… I… don’t have it no more”

“You don’t have what?”

I wished I hadn’t asked. He didn’t have any feeling for me any more, but he couldn’t tell why.

It just didn’t make sense to me. There is always a reason for everything. I was ready for the worst one. So I wasn’t hurt at all when I, from a corner of a cafe I knew he usually went after work, saw him kissing my best friend.


“Please Dee, I can’t”

“I won’t ask for more after this Jay. Make love to me for the last time before you really decide to leave”

Dee, even if I do it, I wouldn’t do it with love, I can’t hurt you that way. I…”

“I don’t care. I will put all my love in it. Please…”

So we did it. I, as I promised, gave all my love through the play. I cried.

“Why are you crying? See? I shouldn’t have done this if it only made you cry”, Jay felt guilty.

“Did you ever hear about tears of happiness?”

He believed they were tears of happiness. But I knew what they exactly were.

We have gone to the marriage counselor these last two weeks. Things didn’t work well, Jay has really lost his eager to stay with me. I couldn’t think of any other way…


He was packing his luggage. Nothing left in the closet. And he didn’t say a word.


He still didn’t answer me.

“Jay please. I was just trying what I could to make you stay. Jay, give me a chance….”

He walked here and there picking up things and put them in his travel back, while I was following behind him, begging him to stay.

“Jay… I thought a baby would be nice. It will make you a daddy… we will be a real family. We can start all over again. I promise…”

He turned back and yelled at me, “Well you thought wrong! Now will you please step back so I can finish packing and leave?”

I stepped back. I sat on the bed edge. I watched him finishing packing. I watched him walking out the room.

I didn’t follow. I didn’t want to see him walk out the door…


for this weeks sundayscribblings prompt: Listen up, because this is important!

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Friday, January 30, 2009

Happy birthday, honey….

I said the words to you, then I kissed your chubby cheek, and I hugged you close and tenderly.

Should have been. That’s how it should have been. At least, that’s how I’ve imagined should have been. But look at what I did then. I said this in front of your gravestone. No birthday cake with candle you’d blow with your tiny mouth. Or the warmth of family sitting together. No laugh, spoil pout, funny look, fussy lips and your cheerful face.

Only red soil heap, piled with a stone, written on with your name, your birthday and your pass away date, which even still in the same year. Pain covered my time and space. Tears, sadness, heartache, sorrow….

I spread out the last grab of flowers I brought. I rubbed your epitaph once again, and I sent you a warm loving kiss.


You have become my life since the first second I saw you. More than the time I realized your existence inside me. Yes, finding that you are a part of me that I finally could touch and hold. Seeing you so frail, I had to take care of you, protect you. You have became my everything.

Miracle by miracle you brought to my eyes has filled my life and my heart. Endear me, eager to always give you the best, to sacrifice. To give you anything you wish, nothing no for you.

I could still hear you laughing. Your innocent eyes that wouldn’t let me let you hurt. Your humbly mumbling, but I could understand what you desired.

I could still remember every single movement you made, from the simple one, to your first ever step. How you slowly rose up. Then you looked at me who was few steps away. You looked at me like trying to say,’ Mommy, I’m coming to you. Reach for me, don’t let me fall…’ So I reached to you and you move slightly. One step, one more step... faster…. Faster… until you hit me. I hugged you as a congratulations for you effort, and you looked at me with shiny eyes, ‘I did it… I did it…’

I never thought it was the beginning of your end. As you walked more steady and stable, you desire became stronger. You wanted to stop crawling. And you wanted to explore more, to satisfy you curiosity of everything you see, and everything you wanted to see.


I stared at you photo again, with the wild flower crown I made for you. The flowers we picked from the garden behind our house. You stood still and let me put it on. Your puffy tiny nose, tell me that you are the most beautiful girl in the world.

‘beauty, na…’

‘Yes, my dear. Na beautiful…’

You, are the most beautiful princess in the world. You are the world to me. Your pass away have grabbed my world, that have became alive with your presence, it grabbed even my whole life before it….

I looked away to the street, through the opened front door. I regret, though I know it is no use, the day I let it open and left you play here alone in this room, while I was preparing water to bathe you. I could still clearly hear the wheels squeaking, and a neighbor screaming.

Frantically I ran out the house and screamed, seeing your little body laid right before that white sedan’s nose, splashed some red on it. My sight suddenly darkened…

I hold your picture tighter close to my chest and feel the pain again. Losing you, my little angel. Everybody told me not to blame myself, but how can I tell myself the same?. Today you should have been one year old. I never wanted to make a big party, with balloons filling the room, or guests bringing presents. I only wanted to be with you, and your dad, thank God for all blesses He gave us, and wish for more to fall over…

I tried to face the reality. But I still can not stop these tears from overflowing each time I remember you, and I remember you in every single beat of my heart….

Happy birthday, Na….


for this week's sundayscribblings prompt: regrets

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