Saturday, March 7, 2009

“Jay please listen, this is important!”

He stopped walking and turned around. Finally. For the last couple days I have been trying to tell him about this. But he always said, ‘can we talk about it later?’ or ‘I’m very tired’ or ‘I still have a lot of things to do’ or thousands other reasons.

“This better be really important, ‘cause I have an important meeting at eight”, he said.

“Can we sit down for a while? I…”

“Just say it”

“I’d rather telling you this while we sit and..”

“Just say it”

I have made him stop to listen to me. Do I need to push him to sit down, but then he would walk away instead of listening to what I am about to say?

I took one deep breathe, “I am pregnant”

I knew I wouldn’t find a smiling happy face. But still I was disappointed when I didn’t see it. He opened his mouth, not saying a word. But his eyes asked questions, “What? Are you kidding? Are you crazy? Do you realize what you are talking about?”

I didn’t need to hear anything. He opened the door, got out, and slammed it, left me standing facing it.

***

Pregnant.

Years ago it would have been a good reason. It would make a guy you were crazy about and dying loving, but didn’t love you that much, willing to marry you. You wouldn’t care about what happen next. You could see a divorce right after a baby born. But you always thought you could still hope it wouldn’t happen.

A pregnant would make your parents let a guy you were crazy about and dying loving, and loved you the same 0r more; but they didn’t like, to marry you. You would hope a baby would defrost the ice between you and your parents, and more babies would make them finally see you and your guy were meant to be.

I made myself believe I could use the same reason to make Jay stay. Marriage has been so plain in the last year – if you are too afraid to call it bitter. This house, and me, were no longer home to Jay. I meant, he still came here to go home, and nowhere else. But conversations didn’t go further than ‘where’s my shirt’ or ‘good night’ or ‘I won’t be home for dinner’ or ‘I have to go’.

I couldn’t see what was wrong with us. Things were so good in our first years. He didn’t want children until he reached manager level. Now he has, but still he told me to wait a ‘little more time until we have our life settled’. We never talked about how ‘settled’ was to him or to me. I could take whatever life we had but he still had plans.

I still tried to think positive, until few months ago when we both were ready for bed. I laid my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. Listened to his heart beat as I always liked to do.

Dee, do you still love me?”

I raised my head and looked at him, “What did you just ask me? Off course I still do”

“I’m sorry. Just asking”

He took his arms off me and turned around, and slept. Or, pretended to.

***

It was date 17 last month. We were having a candle light dinner I have arranged two weeks before. A 5th marriage anniversary should be romantic. I did my best cooking and dressing. Jay, as I asked, got home earlier from work.

He sat across the table. I took his hand and waited for flowers and glittery hearts falling around us. But the love song I played from the CD sounds like a choir of a group of cows. Air freshener lost its power. And I felt so dummy.

“This won’t work, Dee. I’m sorry”, Jay said, and pulled his hand off.

I did my best not to cry. But I couldn’t help my self not to ask why.

“Why, Jay? What has gone wrong? What did I do?”

He shook his head and sighed.

“I don’t know Dee. I can’t tell what is wrong. Or what you did. Nothing’s wrong, and you did nothing. But I just felt this is no longer right. I can no longer feel the comfort staying beside you. I… I… don’t have it no more”

“You don’t have what?”

I wished I hadn’t asked. He didn’t have any feeling for me any more, but he couldn’t tell why.

It just didn’t make sense to me. There is always a reason for everything. I was ready for the worst one. So I wasn’t hurt at all when I, from a corner of a cafe I knew he usually went after work, saw him kissing my best friend.

***

“Please Dee, I can’t”

“I won’t ask for more after this Jay. Make love to me for the last time before you really decide to leave”

Dee, even if I do it, I wouldn’t do it with love, I can’t hurt you that way. I…”

“I don’t care. I will put all my love in it. Please…”

So we did it. I, as I promised, gave all my love through the play. I cried.

“Why are you crying? See? I shouldn’t have done this if it only made you cry”, Jay felt guilty.

“Did you ever hear about tears of happiness?”

He believed they were tears of happiness. But I knew what they exactly were.

We have gone to the marriage counselor these last two weeks. Things didn’t work well, Jay has really lost his eager to stay with me. I couldn’t think of any other way…

***

He was packing his luggage. Nothing left in the closet. And he didn’t say a word.

“Jay…”

He still didn’t answer me.

“Jay please. I was just trying what I could to make you stay. Jay, give me a chance….”

He walked here and there picking up things and put them in his travel back, while I was following behind him, begging him to stay.

“Jay… I thought a baby would be nice. It will make you a daddy… we will be a real family. We can start all over again. I promise…”

He turned back and yelled at me, “Well you thought wrong! Now will you please step back so I can finish packing and leave?”

I stepped back. I sat on the bed edge. I watched him finishing packing. I watched him walking out the room.

I didn’t follow. I didn’t want to see him walk out the door…

*****

for this weeks sundayscribblings prompt: Listen up, because this is important!

6 comments:

Rinkly Rimes said...

A very modern dilemma!

floreta said...

this brought tears in my eyes. of course, that never works to get someone to stay.. but then the very real thought of what to do next... very frightening and gut wrenching heartbreak..

linda may said...

This is so sad and serious. I know it happens.

americanising desi said...

my heart is teary like my eyes... it just so happens that it is so darn true :'(

rebecca said...

how very, very sad. heart-wrenching. you would never want to see a loved one or a friend go through this.

denny said...

very nice short story..

a love at modern world.
or should i say, a starting chaotic world..

:D

nice writing..