you opened the door and let me in....

So, with a little doubt inside my hart, I stepped in and sat in a chair.

“Coffee?”, you asked.

I shook my head, “I don’t drink coffee”

“Milk?, I still have some. Cold or warm?”
“Cold, will be nice. Ultra, or Indo?”
“Indo, choc”
“That would be nice, thank you”

So you poured some in a glass and handed it to me. For a while I just held it, and looked at the glass, and stayed in silence. You pulled a chair and sat in front of me.

“Don’t like it?”
“Oh, I do”, and started drinking it, until the last drop.

And again I held the glass and looked at it. And we both were speechless for a while.

“I’m glad you are here”, you tried to break the silence.
”Me too, you don’t have any idea how much”

You took the glass and walked to the kitchen, and I followed you. There in front of the fridge I stood while you put my glass in the washbasin, I should have done it by myself. I didn’t want to be a guess here, I really didn’t want to.

“Show me how you cook”, I said.
“What do you want me to cook?”
“Anything, I’m not a cookie. You are. Prove to me what you said”

You approached the fridge and a I stepped a little aside. Still I can feel your elbow touched mine and my hart beat fast and strong.

You opened the fridge door and looked in and grabbed some stuffs.

“Seemed there’s noting left here. I only have potatoes. You know what I can make of these?”
“Baked potatoes with cheese and chili?”

You raised your shoulder, “What else. Too bad, I am even out of broccoli. Not something good for a dinner”

“Don’t worry, anything will do”

Then I helped you wrapped the potatoes with the foil. Oh my God, felt my hart is filled by drum basses and like to jump out. I tried not to look in your eyes coz I know I wouldn’t be able to control my self. Both of us just keep busy with the potatoes and knife and foil and microwave. Even until the potatoes are in the micro, we just stood there side by side not talking. You and I looked at the microwave waiting for the beep. but it’s not the potatoes inside my head. I didn’t know what was in yours.

beep beep beep beep

You raised your hand, I thought to open the microwave and take out the potatoes. But I was wrong. You took my hand and I looked at you with questions in my head as you looked into mine and answered my question with a lingual question.

“Will you stay for a night?”

***

For a second or two I was frozen, what did you expect me to say? But I immediately pulled my hand. The next second I made myself busy opening the racks, trying to find some plates. Yes, it would be much easier for me if I asked you where they are. My trembling harts and shaking hand made it even much harder. But I let you leaned your hand on the table with your face down. It was better that way.

There you are, so I carefully took out the potatoes.

“Could you please open the foil? It’s so hot”, I asked you almost unheard as I was still trembling.
Without words you brought the plates to the table and opened the foil.

“I’ll make the chili. I should’ve done it while baking the potatoes. I don’t know what I was thinking”, you left me alone in the table, busy with your chili that you brought back to the table few minutes after.

“Try it”, you handed the red sauced spoon to me.
“Seemed so hot”

But not really, actually.

“I’m sorry”, you started the conversation as put a slice of the potatoes in to your mouth.
“What for?”
“What just happened”
“You don’t have to”
“I really didn’t know what across my head”
“I understand”

And we continued eating not talking. Oh my God, this is so agonizing. I didn’t come here to get in this situation. I’ve prepared myself for the warmest conversation that will ever happen. I prepared jokes and laughter. And they all just disappeared when we finally stood face to face.
The thunder inside my hart was too strong for me to damp. I was broken.

My plate is empty without me knowing where the potatoes gone. I couldn’t taste it but still I said, “Delicious”.
“Any one could make this and they’ll taste the same. Doesn’t need experts to make it”

Oh it was so not you. You always talked about details. How to wrap, how long in the microwave, things such like that... Ah, I really couldn’t figure out what was in your mind, what were you thinking of. I felt how both of us were lost in long yearnings... Exploding and waiting for a release, but we know we couldn’t. Because we promised not to go there. I asked us to and you said yes. I thought it was no big deal, but I guess I was wrong.

Suddenly I feel regret for being here. I couldn’t bear the overflowing happiness. I’m drowning in... I’m drowning in...
“Rin...”, you broke my thoughts
“Uhm, yes, Tom?”
“Are you okay?”
“I am, I guess”
“You are not here”
“What do you mean? I am here, my body and mind”, I was not lying.
“But honestly”, I continued, “I wish I was in some other time and place”
“Why?”
“I’m afraid I can’t make our promise”
“I almost screw it up, I’m sorry”, you look down and silent again. Silent again.

Silent again.

I stood up and brought our plate to the wash basin. Washed them, dried them, and put them back in the rack. I took a bottle of water and two empty glasses and brought them to the table. I filled the glass for me, and for you.

“Are you sorry to be here?”, oh boy, you read my mind.
“What made you think so? I’m glad to be here. See you. Watch you cooking. Talk to you...”
“Bull shit. Neither of us can enjoy this. Rin.. this is so... uncomfortable for me”
“You’re right, Tom. It’s torturing me”

Slowly you took my hand. This time I let you did. Also when you slightly kissed it, because I know soon you’d let it go.

“I still love you, Rin”

I looked at my glass, tap my fingers on it.

”What do you want me to say?”
“You don’t have to say a thing. I already knew”
“You just think you do”
“I know, we both do. And we both know it is not allowed”

My glass was empty.

“Well, dinner’s done. What’s next?”
“Leave me alone”

I lost words. Closed my eyes. My hart was so irritated. This was really not what I hoped for when I went here. This pain. The relentless pain caused by unreachable happiness and dreams. I never thought it would be so hard for us to face it. Even you, who always seemed strong and controlled, broken with the reality. You were right, Tom. I shouldn’t have come here.

I stood up, looked at you that still didn’t look at me. Looking at your untouched glass. I approached the door, wishing you would say something. But you remain that way. Even when I opened the door and about to step outside, you remain that way.

I wished once again you ask me to stay. Cause if you did, I tell my self I would. Say it, Tom. Ask me to stay... But you keep your face down and don’t say a word. I waited. And you still said no words.

So I got out of your apartment and shut the door. I couldn’t go right away. I was feeling too weak. My hart was broken into pieces. I rest my back on you door, let my tears overflowed my face. I really hoped you would come out, reach me and enfold me in your embrace.

But at the same time I could imagine how you felt the same. Suffered the same pain. And neither of us could bear it. How stupid I was, thinking that a meeting would solve the problems.

So I walked away from you, and I told my hart to stay away from yours. No matter how hard, no matter how long it would take. It was really no use keeping any single piece of the memory, it would just bring the other ones back. That would destroy us for not being able to have them completely. I wanted to blame my parents for pushing me to marry the one they chose, but I couldn’t. I wanted to blame my self for letting them do, but I couldn’t. I wanted to blame you for not taking me run away that day, but I couldn’t.

Foggy night, and so was my hart. I left. You can be sure, I promise, I won’t be back.

Semarang, 26 May 2008